Attaching to your child

You may not know this, but I actually do enjoy getting emails from people - especially people who have children with issues similar to mine. It's not that I'm glad others have to deal with the problem, but it does provide a sense of solidarity and let's us know we aren't alone (and we don't have to navigate this by ourselves). However, I'm not a doctor, or a therapist, or anything more than a father just trying to make sense of all this as I go. That said, there are certain things I have found that work better than others. While I'm not perfect at these, I find the more I utilize these approaches, the stronger my daughter seems to be attaching - which is the ultimate goal, is it not?

For starters, I've learned that children with complex trauma backgrounds tend to be hypervigilant and easily triggered by any irritation, sarcasm, anger, impatience, or hostility that my creep into your tone of voice. Think back to the last few times you were frustrated or upset with your child - if you can honestly say you were able to avoid all of the above, you are a saint. Seriously. It's definitely something I am working on, but it isn't easy (go ahead, try it). However, any time your child senses any of the above, they can quickly become defensive and dysregulated. So rule #1 is to remain mindful of your tone. If possible, step away if you feel you are getting triggered yourself.

Since our children are wired to control and resist (yay us!), any direct commands tend to elicit a reaction to an authoritarian stance. If you think that is going to get you anywhere, well... So rule #2 is to try some skillful redirection by prefacing your request with:

1) A caring expression that the child matters to you.
i.e. "I care too much about you to let you run away. I hope you stay here with us where it is safe"

2) Staying emotionally attuned to the child's inner experiences.
i.e. "Your feelings are important to me and I can see you were really hurt by what Susie said. I can't let you go punch her and I don't want you hurt either. I want to understand and help you through this"

3) Focusing on the child's strengths or commenting about your child having been successful previously and you are asking them to do again what they did before.
i.e. "Last week you really worked hard at being respectful and considerate, and it really paid off for you. That seems difficult for you right now and I wonder if you could try as hard as you did last week"


Above all, avoid power struggles at all costs. Any time you are in a position where your child feels you are controlling them or telling them what to do, you risk triggering reactivity and power games. Remember, the child must always feel they are "in charge". Try giving your child permission to do the action while describing the consequences. This is called a "No Problem Attitude". An example of this is something like "We care too much about you to let you get hurt, because you are important to us. If you decide to cut school, you could do that and we would have to call the police to make sure you don't get hurt. But you can do that if you choose". At this point, walk away to give your child space and time to think over her choice. Oftentimes, this will lead to a good choice (assuming they have decent cause and effect skills).

In short, if you find your child is dysregulated, tantruming, or in a PTSD triggered state...
Talk calmly and slowly, using a few short words
Avoid long discussions or lectures
Avoid becoming triggered into your own anger - this just adds fuel to the fire
Side-step power struggles
Calmly describe the choice
Calmly walk away to give compliance time
Do NOT administer any consequences while your child is dysregulated. This will only increase a sense of deprivation and fuel dysregulation
BUT, DO give consequences later on once your child is regulated. Be sure to remind them that you want them to try again next time because you want them to get the rewards and privileges they want.

If you can catch your child when they are just beginning to move into a dysregulated state, you can try to head it off using the PACE method. These are simple attempts at establishing a connection:
P - Playfulness
A - Acceptance (i.e. "I'm sorry it is so hard. Sometimes I don't like rules either")
C - Curiosity ("I wonder what is going on today? Yesterday it was easy for you to help out, yet today seems harder?")
E - Empathy

Lastly, whenever possible apply the 4:1 Rule of Positive Comments to Consequences (pretty self explanatory)

Anyway, these guidelines have helped me establish better attachment with my daughter and I hope they can help you. I would be curious to hear how they work for you!

A source of stress.....

The other day when we were heading downtown to pick up my daughter after her visit with grandma, I found myself really stressing over her being down there alone. She’s almost 16 and when I look back on when I was 16 I was so very different. I was going everywhere by myself and rarely home. I had a job, money, and lots of places to hang out. So why was I so stressing over her walking 2 blocks from the train to the library?

Oh yeah, her poor decision making skills and lack of cause and effect thinking. My wife and I have joked about how my daughter would sell us out for a bar of chocolate (ok, we were only half joking) but it’s really an indicator of how she thinks. She lives in the moment, rarely considering how things will affect her even 10 minutes later. Combine that with her need for attention and we have a potentially disastrous situation when she’s out walking around. There have been more than one occasion where guys have hit on her while she was out, and no matter how many times we tell her she needs to get away from them rather than respond, she can’t help but engage in conversation with them. And it’s not just conversation either – there have been a couple of times where they have managed to get close enough to actually touch her.

As a father, that’s both scary and infuriating.

Who are these men and why are they touching my daughter?

But although she says she wishes they would leave her alone, she won’t do anything really to stop it. We tell her to ignore them, duck into the closest store and tell the person working there that she is being bothered by some guy. But what she does instead is engage them in conversation (even if it’s just one word answers, that’s enough for some guys to think it’s all good) and continue walking down the street as if nothing is wrong.

So yeah, I was really worried and stressed about her wandering around in downtown San Francisco even though it was in such a public place. I don’t even like being down there by myself in certain areas, and I’m not a little guy, so the thought of her weaving her way between homeless drunks and drug addicts that have made their way down from the tenderloin really freaked me out.

I wish there was some way to get her to understand the dangers. She’s tall, she’s thin, she’s beautiful, and she is incredibly naive. Even her case manager fears for her safety and well being due to her naivety around social issues such as boys. She calls her an “unwanted pregnancy waiting to happen”. Not exactly what I want to hear – especially having been a teenage boy myself. Yet, no matter how many times we try to impress on her the dangers out there, she seems to remain oblivious. The ‘instant attention’ is far too alluring and outweighs any ‘possible problems’ that might arise from it.

And people wonder why we keep such close tabs on her…. “back off a bit and she’ll blossom”… yeah, right. People have no idea….

A breakthrough... small, but huge!

My daughters don't do well with change. Not at all. So this upcoming move 2 states away seems to be really stressing them out. They have both been acting out in ways we haven't seen in quite a while. But there have been incredible breakthroughs as well. Last week my oldest was in group at the treatment center when she volunteered she starts trouble with her step mother because she's there. She admitted (all on her own, with no coaxing by staff) that she's really pissed at her bio-mom (and I think 'pissed' is too soft a word for how she really feels, but it's the one she used) but since bio-mom isn't around, she takes it out on step-mom because she is the only mother figure that is available.

While this isn't news to us (we've been telling people this for many years), for her to have expressed it is HUGE! It tells us that whatever we've been doing is working. That the way she has been looking at things is different. I mean, we've noticed it - her behavior has improved in general, her attitude has improved in general (we still have huge outbursts of drama, but it's not constant like it used to be) - but we've never actually heard her express her anger for her bio-mom.

We've always known it was there though. All you had to do was mention her bio-moms name and the tears would start. So perhaps this breakthrough will propel her on towards more healing? Sometimes it seems to be just the opposite though - each breakthrough brings with it yet more intense drama. But that's understandable, and we can work though all of that as long as we know we're heading in the right direction. I don't think she's quite ready to sit down and write her bio-mom a letter yet, but I think someday she's going to have to do that. Even if she never mails it (and we wouldn't know where to send it anyway), she needs to get all of that crap out of her. Much like you need to clean your cars oil pan to get all the gunk out so it runs smoother.

This treatment center and it's staff have been such a Godsend for us - I pray they have something similar in the Seattle area....

Warning: Parents may appear hostile

Understandably, a recent story about a mom feeding her son hot sauce on the Dr Phil show has garnered quite a bit of attention, much of it negative. If you look at the comments on Facebook or other sites, both parents and non-parents (who frequently tend to be the most critical of other peoples parenting) are up in arms about what a horrible mother this woman is. And while I can't condone what she did, my first reaction when reading about that story was "that poor woman". I posted the article to a RAD support group and the reactions were all similar to mine. Nobody condoned the actions, but almost every comment was along the lines of "I can totally relate to that poor womans frustration".

For starters, the child was adopted, which put him at risk right there for some level of RAD. Given the mothers' statements such as "When [he] gets a cold shower, I am at the end of my rope" and "Nothing's gotten the results that I want.", I can 100% sympathize with where she's coming from.

Few things are more frustrating than knowing your child needs help and not only not being able to get it for them, but then having to try and deal with it all on your own. Before I began really studying RAD and how it affects the brain, I frequently felt the same way. Well-meaning people would give all sorts of advice, swearing up and down that it would solve the problems, but it never did. Nothing conventional that we tried made much difference at all (and when it did, it was short-lived). So yeah, I've felt this mothers' frustration, I know where she's coming from, and apparently so do many of the other RAD parents I've spoken with.

The help IS out there. But very few people/agencies are willing to give it up easily. I know from personal experience how hard it is to get people to recognize that there are bigger issues going on that your child needs help with. I knew for years that my RAD was depressed and the root cause of almost all of her problems were due to her mother. But it really did take years of pushing before anybody really listened. I had to kick and scream and flood peoples email boxes, I had to take time off work and demand face to face meetings, I had to push through all the bureaucracy and resistance to get her the help I knew she needed. And I had to do all this while dealing with the frustration that nothing I was doing was working and my RADs behavior wasn't changing. It felt like I was being attacked from both sides when all I wanted to do what help my RAD get better.

"Parents appear hostile" --- us RAD parents might as well make t-shirts with that on em. Because at times we do. We appear hostile towards our children, we appear hostile towards the agencies that think they are helping us. We appear hostile towards the entire world at times because we have to. We can't sit back and wait for help to come to us because it won't.

Let's hope this poor woman can now get the help she needs to deal with her sons issues before her frustration pushes her over the edge and it's not just hot sauce next time.

RAD Monkeys?

Oddly enough, I was reading an article yesterday about a study done on monkeys that linked anxiety and anti-social behavior with the stress of being separated from their mothers at a young age. Sound familiar? Sure does to me.

Sadly, the poor monkeys that they studied never fully recovered from the trauma.

In both humans and monkeys, stress releases the hormone cortisol which is used to mobilize energy stores and aid survival, but prolonged increased levels can lead to developmental impairment of some regions in the brain and actually results in lower levels of cortisol later even after several years of living a “normal” life. And if that isn’t bad enough, cortisol is linked to the immune system and is a powerful anti-inflammatory. Adults with a history of childhood maltreatment have elevated inflammation levels, which is one of the key factors that contribute to conditions such as cardiovascular disease, type-2 diabetes and dementia.

So while we can slowly work on (but seemingly never cure) the mental and emotional problems caused by early childhood trauma, science has yet to figure out how to fix the physical damage.

Does this mean our children are doomed to lives of poor health and an increased likelihood of horrible diseases? I certainly hope not. If there is one thing I tried to take away from this article, it’s that science is now aware of the physical damage in addition to the mental/emotional, which means they can find ways to repair (or at least minimize it).

Can’t they?

More on Cause and Effect....

My dogs are pretty cute (to me anyway). They are also pretty smart, but they have animal brains and, although trainable, they seem to lack solid cause and effect thinking. They can learn to sit, come when called, and even dance, but they can’t quite figure out that if they corner the cat it WILL claw them. So they do it over and over and over.

RADs are the same way. They have a severely diminished ability for cause and effect thinking. Which makes sense if you think about it – if a baby cries and gets fed one time, then ignored the next time, then yelled at yet another time, it never knows what to expect. Since the brain learns via repetition, the brain never grasps the concept of cause (I cry) and effect (I get fed).

This is one reason why typical parenting methods such as charts and rewards don’t work (no matter how many times people say it will). The brains of traumatized children tend to run on a heightened state of arousal and stress, which inhibits their use of the cortex by funneling that energy to the lower, more primitive, parts of the brain. Their brain state makes them unable to consider the potential consequences of their actions. For these children, immediate reward is the most reinforcing – delayed gratification is almost impossible. Without input from the internal regulating capabilities of the cortex, the brainstem acts reflexively, impulsively and sometimes aggressively to any perceived threat.

It is precisely this reason that it does absolutely no good to use the “normal” methods. When a RAD is dysregulated, they aren’t in their “right mind”. They aren’t able to reason, they aren’t able to think logically, they aren’t able to do much of anything except slip into survival mode. In his book The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog, Dr Perry states “fear, quite literally, makes us dumber”, and if you think about it that makes total sense. Even the smartest person isn't concerned with how s/he is going to make money when faced with a life or death situation.

So if you have a RAD in your house, or if you are caring for a RAD, don’t bother trying to reason with, or discipline, or hope to make any difference in future behavior when the child is dysregulated. You have to get them regulated first, before anything you say will sink in. This is the premise behind Heather Forbes’ Beyond Consequences method, which seems to be one of the preferred methods among parents of RADs. If you are a caretaker of a RAD – no matter how infrequently – you owe it to him/her (and yourself if you want to keep your sanity around a bit longer!) to at least give it a read.

Diabetes Management and RAD....

There's one thing I don't think I'll ever understand. I mean, I do understand on a deep level, but at the same time I don't understand. Make sense? Neither does my RADs actions when it comes to diabetes management. And yet they make perfect sense.

In addition to RAD, she also has type 1 diabetes which means she has to take insulin to control her blood sugars. Anybody who has a RAD knows that they have a deep rooted need to be "in control". Which makes sense since they had to be that way in order to survive when they were younger. But when that need for control becomes potentially life threatening it's a whole new story.

Let's take a typical daily schedule - test blood sugars when you wake up, get a shot to correct sugars and cover breakfast carbohydrates. At 10am test again and correct sugars if needed so that when lunchtime comes around, your sugars aren't too high for you to eat (when she eats with sugars in excess of 175 the insulin is FAR less effective and she just remains high the rest of the day). At lunch, since the sugars should be normal, simply cover the carbohydrates you're going to eat and then retest/correct in the mid afternoon to prepare for dinner.

Sounds simple, no? One would think. But for some reason, RAD insists on correcting in the morning and covering breakfast (a good start to the day!) but then neglects to do a mid-morning test and tends to have sugars in the upper 200s or higher at lunch. Of course, being a teenager she's hungry so rather than waiting for her sugars to come down, she eats anyway and shoots her sugars super high. That requires an extra large shot in mid afternoon, which then drops her low by the time she gets home. Granted, this isn't all her fault. The school nurse *should* be coming in the morning but she doesn't (that will be addressed in the IEP next month), and the doctors orders she is working off of *need* to be changed so she's getting less insulin in the afternoons (that appointment is next week). But in the meantime, she continues to avoid mid morning testing and her sugars are so high at lunch that we suspect she's eating soon after she leaves the house in the mornings (that is the only plausible explanation we can think of for why she consistently "forgets" to do her mid morning test).

When we approach her about it, she gets really dysregulated and keeps saying "I get it", but she certainly doesn't seem to. We don't want to nag her about it, but high blood sugars now == organ failure later and no parent wants that for their child! Then there is the issue with the low blood sugars. Low numbers are more dangerous than high numbers - they can cause more immediate problems such as confusion, seizures and even death. We even had one instance where her sugars were low, she got confused, and ended up getting on the bus home in the wrong direction. We always tell her to carry raisins with her since they are a fast acting sugar source, but again - her need for control sometimes makes her "forget" those.

Thankfully her Day Treatment Center is way more on top of these things than her last school was, but we still have a long way to go. It's not easy trying to coordinate different agencies (i.e. diabetes clinic, school, etc) especially when you've already been triangulated against (as was the case with her last school when they called an ambulance for high blood sugars and refused to cancel it even after we were onsite because they believed we were abusive towards her - we're still fighting that $1,100 bill). The diabetes clinic doesn't listen to us because they, too, believe we are horrible parents. So they write up orders that we know won't work yet they think they know better, and the school nurses have no choice but to follow those orders (although we have asked them to call us because our word overrides the doctors, but in general they tend to follow what's written).

So we get to deal with this double whammy on a daily basis, with everybody pointing fingers at everybody else while RAD bounces up and down (both with her sugars and with the attention this brings her). It honestly wouldn't be so bad if she would just work WITH us instead of against us, but the RAD in her won't allow that.

Thanks RAD - I hate you (not the daughter, the disease).

They Are Out There....

So I’m getting off the elevator at work and I run into a coworker who works from home. He has his son with him, who I never knew had Down Syndrome. This got me to thinking. There are far more children out there with special needs than we, as people, have any idea about. I don’t know the statistics for other special needs children, but while researching attachment issues I did run across these according to the Adverse Childhood Experiences study by Kaiser Permanente & the CDC:

11% emotionally abused
30% physically abused
20% sexually abused
13% witnessed mothers being battered
23.5% exposed to family alcohol abuse
18.8% exposed to family mental illness
4.9% exposed to family drug abuse

While I’m sure there is plenty of overlap between the groups (i.e. children who witness their mothers being battered are likely physically abused themselves), the numbers are still pretty startling to me. Of course, not all children in those situations will grow up with attachment issues – far from it in fact. But children who do NOT grow up with such exposure are much less likely to develop issues.

I was reading some other statistics that claim approximately 50% of adopted children suffer attachment issues to some degree, and they are joined by 28% of the children in foster care. I don’t remember where I saw those statistics but regardless, the point is they are out there. Chances are you’ve met them. If you haven’t met them, you likely know their parents but just don’t know it.

So if your child does have attachment issues, rest assured you aren’t alone. If yours doesn’t have attachment issues, you’ve most likely met one (or his/her parents). If you think you haven’t, think again – most children with attachment issues appear just as normal as other kids to outsiders. Remember, RADs can (and frequently will) appear superficially charming to strangers and are often so manipulative the adult will never know what hit them (we call it ‘RADsnacking’ since they are so adept at chewing you up and spitting you out when done with you).

My point? If you know of a parent whose child(ren) seem out of control, offer your support. Don’t criticize, and don’t judge. You don’t know what they are going through. Perhaps you can offer to babysit for them (All RAD parents need respite!), or just go help with shopping or whatever. All special needs parents who are able to occasionally step back and regroup are in a far better position to effectively parent their children, which benefits us all in the long run.

Hugs n Stuff....

Last Friday my wife came home really upset over some things that had happened at work. And I think anybody would have been upset – if we could afford for her to stop working, I would tell her to quit right now. But we can’t (yet), so she has to try and push through it.

But that isn’t the point here. The point is what happened next. She was sitting at the table when RAD came over and gave her a genuine hug. A truly genuine hug with no ulterior motive. If you don’t have a RAD at home, this may seem like nothing special to you, but for those of you with RADs.. well… you know what I’m talking about! It’s rare moments like these that give us hope and the strength to carry on with what sometimes seems an impossible task.

I’ll admit. There are times when I see other happy families out and about, with happy children who hang on / hug / hold hands with their parents and I have my moments of jealousy. These parents who take such things for granted while us RAD parents struggle for any glimpse of empathy or emotion at times. If they only knew how good they have it! But then I look at my girls and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Every family has its good and bad times. It’s just that with RADs, the bad times have this naughty habit of outnumbering the good. But then my head clears and I can step back and realize just how GOOD we do have it. For non-RAD parents, a hug is just a hug. A hand hold is just a hand hold. But for us, it’s an amazing event. It’s so unexpected and unusual and means soooo much more if it happens only once per week. Much like when you’re on a diet – that slice of chocolate cake that you allow yourself once a week seems to taste just that much better. So it is with our RADs holding our hands (regardless of whether they are covered in chocolate or not!) or giving us a hug.

So the next time your child comes to give you a hug, hold them a little longer, a little tighter, and appreciate the gift you’re being given – I know I cherish them... Every. Single. One.

RADs and Cutting

I can't begin to describe the feelings that washed over me when I found out my RAD was cutting herself. It just made no sense to me. Why would somebody do that? I suffered trauma as a child (although I was a bit older) and never had the urge to cut so I just couldn't fathom it. When I asked her about it, she said it helped her relieve "the stress". Say What?

So I started looking into what makes children cut.



Totally random cute ape picture

While not all people who experienced trauma at a young age cut, many cutters did experience trauma to one extent or another. Two things that help to integrate and overcome trauma (or prevent its aftereffects) are a sense of control (ability to change outcomes) and an ability to make sense of the event(s). Infants and small children really have no way to control their situations. They can't feed themselves, nor can they change their own diapers. They also don't have the reasoning capacity to make sense of what is happening to them. They just don't have the experience or the knowledge. So the brain takes over and goes into survival mode by inducing a dissociative state which "removes" the child from feeling the pain. This state is brought about by the brain flooding itself with opioids such as endorphins and enkephalins which are natural heroin-like substances that kill pain and produce calm. They are an integral part of the brains stress-response system.

Since the brain "learns" from repetition, it learns that the only way to deal with anxiety and stress is to release these opioids (since it has no other way to deal with it). Cutting produces stress on the system through pain, which forces the brain to release these opioids. So when a child cuts, they are typically in a state of anxiety or stress that is so great they are essentially self-medicating the only way they know how.

How does this help? If you know your child is cutting, you can attack the problem by reducing their stress and anxiety for the short term. The long term solution is to re-train their brain to provide them with other, better tools to deal with the stress. Meditation, yoga, mindfulness are all wonderful tools, as is encouraging writing or expressing themselves through art (and you thought they were just making pretty pictures to hang on your fridge!!). Talk therapy can also be helpful, but keep in mind that therapists can do far more harm than good with RADs. If you can't find an Attachment therapist, and the therapist you do find isn't willing to work with you and learn about attachment issues, it may actually be better to go without for the time being (disclaimer: I'm no doctor, I can't give medical advice, and you need to do what's right for you and your child. I can only speak from experience).

However you choose to approach it, keep in mind that the cutting is a symptom - the cause is the lack of ability to effectively deal with stress. Treat the cause and you'll stop the cutting. It worked for us :)

Pride

So many topics to write about. There is so much to learn, so much to read, so much to DO that sometimes I wish there were more than 24 hours in the day. I have so immersed myself into learning all I can about Attachment issues that I can barely keep up with it all. But that's not what I want to talk about today. Today I want to talk about pride. Not the "I'm hella proud of myself for (insert whatever here)", but the beaming pride only those exposed to children can understand. My girls have gone through so much, and they certainly have their problems, but when I look at them (especially when they are sleeping) I am truly and honestly proud of who they are becoming. Certainly I don't feel this way all the time. I get angry with them, I get frustrated, I even just get plain sick and tired of dealing with them and the problems they create, but all that melts away when I look at them sleeping peacefully.

Yesterday RAD had her first day at her summer camp. It's a special camp run by the Seneca Center of San Francisco that caters to children with mental health issues. It's free (yay!) and somewhat exclusive - not all of the children referred are accepted, and that referral has to come from a case worker at one of several centers around the city. But she got in and although she will miss the third week due to her trip to grandmas, she will be there for 2 weeks. Of course, whenever there is something like this I figuratively hold my breath the entire time she's gone. Since she is a type 1 diabetic, anything could happen, and that anything could have fatal results. Not that it has yet (duh, or I wouldn't be writing this in the present tense), but the potential is there, and she DOES have a history of using her diabetes to control situations. Needless to say, diabetes + RAD is not one of the more comforting combinations I can think of.

Regardless, she returned home last night and although her glucose levels weren't good, she managed to catch it and fix them by the time she got home. PLUS, she had a great time! Of course, she can always keep things up for a day or two... it's typically day #3 where things fall apart, but I'll happily take two days of responsible behavior! Today however, is a whole 'nother story... they're heading to Great America (an amusement park about 50 miles away) and again, her history is to "forget" to manage her diabetes when she's having fun, but she did ok last time she went so I'm hoping for a repeat performance.

Then there is ODD... she had a great day yesterday as well! She totally lived up to my benchmark of "Responsible, Respectful, and Fun To Be Around" (RRFTBA). She is another one who looks so peaceful and untroubled when she's sleeping (can't say as much when she's busy screaming throughout the house in one of her rages). She's very excited about her upcoming solo trip to Seattle to see her aunt and new cousin, but things like this usually set her off and for some reason it hasn't yet.

So this morning I got to start my day looking at my two beautiful daughters with a heart full of pride and love. I wish every parent could start their day this way and have it stick with them throughout all the ups and downs... I think we, as parents, would be far better off for it.

(Of course, you need to go look at your own kids - please don't let me catch you in my kids bedrooms while they're sleeping!!)

My dog... Rad or RAD ?

So I wanted to write something a little more serious today, but this morning when I was outside with my dogs (if I don't take em out first thing they leave little presents for us by the door) I watched one of them pooping. Most dogs squat and poop.. but not him. He squats, poops, moves a few inches, poops again, moves again and... well, you get the idea. So I find myself following him around with a bag picking up his little deposits all over the place. That's when it dawned on me... it's a very RAD-like trait.


The dog... RAD or just a dog?


In the online Attachment Disorder Support group I belong to, we share tips and tricks as well as stories about our children - both the failures and the successes. It's a great group of people, and one of the constant "themes" is that RADs are masters at creating chaos one minute, then turning around and behaving like nothing ever happened. They aren't *pretending* that nothing happened, it just seems that in their minds, nothing really DID happen.

When childrens brains develop, they "learn" from repetitive patterns of activity, good or bad. When a child doesn't get those repetitive patterns (as in the case of neglect), those parts of the brain don't develop. When a baby cries and the mother (or father) tends to it, it learns to associate people with pleasure and creates a foundation for future relationships. Without that association, without somebody tending to the babys needs, it learns that others can't be counted on and begins to look to itself for pleasure and satisfaction (Don't even get me started on how physical abuse damages the brain). Without this association of people = pleasure, the child doesn't care about how others feel towards it. After all, why should they? They don't base their self-worth on you. Praise? Yeah, whatever. Mad at me? Oh well. So it's no surprise that they can become a whirlwind of chaos one minute and then the epitome of serenity the next. Just like my dog. Poop, poop, poop, belly rub!!

Cleaning with RADs

I think one of the best things about Mondays is all the material my children give me to write about over the weekend. I count no less than 8 new topics that they gave me just in the past 2 days(not counting the others that popped into my head at random times). But I'm sure that's not necessarily a RAD/ODD thing, just a wonderful child thing. After all, if our children didn't amuse us so much, we might just get rid of them. Or not. Either way, they thankfully provide countless hours of entertainment.

Let's take cleaning for example. On Friday the girls had a few simple jobs. Straighten up the dining room and living room, then sweep and vacuum both, followed by cleaning of the bathrooms. We didn't even ask them to clean the grout or anything, just a swish and swipe kind of thing.



Perhaps it's just me, but somehow I wouldn't call that "straightened up", although it looks like they may have possibly swept. But I was always under the impression that "clean" doesn't include dirty dishes on the table? Maybe it's just me. So let's just assume for a moment that for whatever reason, 3 hours wasn't enough time to get everything done and wander into the living room... ???



Uhhhh yeah. Hey I know.. let's push all the chairs together, knock over a few things, and call it clean!! Yay!

And the bathroom? I will spare you pictures of my toilet. Needless to say it was a little better (not much to knock over in there, and I don't think they eat in there so no dirty dishes). But... since there appears to be an obvious need for remedial cleaning skills, we spent all day Sunday doing just that. It took 3 or 4 times of sending them back (although it seemed like it was never ending) to get the jobs done right, but now we have really sparkly clean bathrooms (even the grout is done!), clean bedrooms (swept, mopped and vacuumed), dining room and living room are inhabitable once again, and the kitchen... well.. it's always a work in progress (I'm sure those of you with kids can understand how difficult it can be to ALWAYS have a sparkly kitchen). But the inside of the fridge got bleached and the laundry got done. But what should have taken a couple of hours somehow managed to take closer to 11... and do you think they will have "gotten it" by having to do it over and over and over until it was done right? I guess we'll see.... But given the way the RAD brain works (I think I've covered "steel wool thinking" in a previous post?), and the fact that this is only the hundredth time we've done this, I'm going to give it a resounding "NO". But I'm always happy and willing to be pleasantly surprised :)

So how do your kids clean? Do they actually get it right the first time around? Do you give them lists? Zones? Share your tips!

Spinning in Circles

Last night I was in the kitchen cooking and I had everything under control. Until I didn't. I don't remember what the catalyst was, but suddenly I was literally spinning in circles and couldn't figure out what to do next. Everything had been going so smoothly and suddenly the salad was only half made, the meat was drying out, the vegetables were boiling over and I hadn't gotten the drinks together. The simple and most effective thing to do would be to turn off the stove (meat and veggies), pour the milk, and finish the salad. An easily accomplished to-do list. But I couldn't think. I felt like I had to do it all RIGHT NOW and couldn't figure out what to tackle first. I knew what needed to be done, I was just frozen (well, except for the spinning in circles thing).

Funny? Yeah, now. To me. But this is a common occurrence for RAD kids. They (well mine anyway) don't adapt well to change at all. An unexpected change in plans can send them into a mental spiral that they can't seem to easily stop. For me, I was able to stop, take a deep breath, and gather myself to complete dinner. For a RAD, there is no stopping - at least not easily. Many RADs suffered abuse (thankfully not mine), neglect and/or abandonment at a young age, and this was imprinted on their brain at a very low level. It is this part of their brain that takes over when they get overwhelmed, and while I was spinning from a minor fear of "what do I do now?", the fear that drives these kids is far deeper and more sinister than a burned meal. If you've ever been in a car accident, think about that split second right before impact. Were you able to calm yourself? Do you think you could have rationalized your fear away? Neither can these kids. They never learned how. And telling them to "relax" is like the driver of your car telling you "don't worry, you won't be hurt" - you're still going to flinch (or worse) on impact.

These are the times when our children need to be taken back to their youngest years and comforted as if they were that age again. It's the only way to help build those brain connections that are missing. This is when you just have to grab your child and hold them tight. It doesn't matter how big or how old they are, when they are in that state they are as young as they were when the 'bad things' happened to them.

I've gotten strange looks, and even stranger comments ("you should stop coddling that grown child!") when I have felt the need to grab and hold my teenager. It doesn't happen often, but you can literally feel them soften up when you do. My pre-teen? Not so much. Oh she needs it, but she'll fight it at first. And THAT gets horrified looks from people if we're out in public. People see me grabbing and holding a big girl while she's freaking out and they automatically assume I'm the cause of the crisis, when it's nothing like what they are imagining.

Those of you with RADs know what I'm talking about. Those of you without, perhaps you'll remember this post next time you see something 'odd' going on between a child and parent.