Educating the world about Reactive Attachment Disorder through experience, hope, humor and love.
(Warning: nothing here should be taken as medical advice)

Monday, August 1, 2011

Love from afar

I have to admit - I don't usually pay attention to the "celebrity news" although from time to time I will scan it when I've run out of other things to read on the train in to work. I never have understood societies fascination with celebrities and the pedestals they put them on. I did the musician thing back in my teens/early 20s and had my groupies, and to be honest they were more annoying than anything. So maybe I'm just different.

But... this morning was one of those mornings and the first article was about how Amy Winehouse was getting ready to adopt a girl from St. Lucia. OK, I don't know what kind of mother she would have been, but if she was willing to adopt then more power to her. All children deserve a loving, stable home. But it wasn't the fact that she was going to adopt that caught my eye. It was that the girls dad was still alive (albeit in Germany) and had given permission for the adoption to proceed, being quoted something along the lines of "well it's ok with my mum so it's ok with me".

HUH?

OK, so there are some things I will never understand. A parent not doing everything they can to keep their children being one of them. I know from personal experience how that can affect a child, and it's heartbreaking to watch them as they struggle to understand why "my mommy/daddy doesn't love me enough to be with me", which of course quickly turns into "I'm not good enough to be loved". My daughter has gone through that with her mother and it breaks my heart (although not nearly as much as it does hers). Certainly if you are in no position to care for your child, that's one thing. But even then you owe it to your child to explain it to them in an age-appropriate way so they don't take it all on internally.

Even if you can't care for your child, you can still pick up the phone. You can still write letters. You can still maintain a connection. You can keep their little heart from breaking over you.

So if you're estranged from your child, treat yourself and call them today if you can. If you can't, write them a letter. You'll feel better for it, and I can't begin to tell you what a difference such a simple act will make in their life.

1 comment:

  1. Great advice! My little boy suffers horribly and it breaks my heart when he says "That's when mommy gave me away" or "That's where K got rid of me" --- Yes it happened twice to him {{sigh}}. It's a life changing event that takes years for them just to be able to cope with - because for many of our children, they will never get over it. The loss is just too great. It never ceases to amaze me that people wouldn't ever dream of thinking a widow who is remarried no longer thinks, loves or feels the loss of her former husband. No, everyone would say - the new husband doesn't "replace" the old -- he is a different person. But somehow when we adopt a child - their grief is supposed to disappear because they have a "new mommy". It doesn't change the fact or the impact that they have lost a love one -- and yet the pain can be deeper because their love one no longer wanted them (or so they believe)
    Saddens my heart.
    Amy

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