Blocking inappropriate web content

I think I'm no different than most parents when I say I wish my children would always make the right decisions.  But they don't, and trying to stay two steps ahead of them at all times drives me crazy.  With my youngest daughter getting to *that age*, I'm constantly asking her to change something on her Facebook page, or remove things, or whatever.  I know, some parents say they would never allow their 12 year old to go on Facebook, but there are some battles that I know can't be won.  If they don't do it here, they will do it somewhere else and at least this way I can keep tabs on what they are up to.  Personally, I would rather attach a webcam to their head that they can't remove, but that isn't exactly practical so I do what I can to keep up with them. 

Of course, an online presence presents a whole new set of issue that our parents didn't have to deal with.  Cyber-bullying and pornography are the two that immediately come to mind.  Making sure that I am "friends" with my kids on Facebook allow me to keep tabs on the first one, but the second one isn't quite that easy.

Last week I had some downtime at work and figured I would look into things.  I did quite a bit of looking around and researching web content filters.  There are a LOT of products out there that will help keep our kids from seeing inappropriate content, but I didn't want to spend any money (I just moved and really don't have it to spend if I don't have to!).  Initially I considered putting a separate box with the filter on it between their computers and the Internet, forcing all their traffic to go through that.  That would be the most secure and easiest to maintain since I would only have a single installation to configure.  But that would require another computer to be on all the time, and although I have plenty of computers sitting around and am certainly tech-savvy enough to pull it off, I started to think about what if they took their laptop to somebody elses house?  All my filtering plans would be worthless. (Of course, they could always use other peoples computers to bypass the filtering, but I can't stop that no matter what...)

Eventually what I settled on was K9 Web Protection... (http://www1.k9webprotection.com/) - the price is right (it's free!), and it does what I need it to.  Not to mention, you can just install it and it works right out of the box.  Of course if you want, it's highly configurable and you can set it to block all sorts of things.  Another nice thing about it is that it logs all attempts to access anything that's blocked, so you can see what your child is up to.  I don't ever want this blog to be in the business of product placement, but this is one utility I highly recommend!

Educating the clueless...

The night before I moved two states away and brought my younger daughter with me, her and her older sister got into a bit of a fight.  The younger one was left bruised and, as instructed by the older daughters case worker, we called SFPD.  Now, violent behavior is not typical with my oldest daughter - she is actually anything but.  But I guess the stress of my moving with the other daughter and her staying behind (albiet temporary while her and the wife finished packing up the place) was too much for her.  Considering I'm the one she's most attached to and I was leaving her behind, I can see why that would cause her to act out.  (But it does seem to have paid off)

Anyway, the cop arrived and I explained to him what happened.  He wanted to know if she was violent so I began to try and explain to him her issues.  He pretty much shut me down saying he didn't believe in "all those therapists and their diagnoses", claiming she "sounds like pretty much every teenager".  He then proceeded to "talk" to her.  And by "talk" I mean give her a 15 minute lecture on how "it isn't ok and the next time the officer might not be so nice, and in Washington things might be different and blah blah blah".  I was watching and could literally pinpoint the moment when she tuned him out.  Was at most, 3 minutes into his speech.

I couldn't help but shake my head and think about how useless he was.  He left, all smug and convinced he had made a difference, but he accomplished nothing except in his own head.  If it never happens again, it certainly won't be because of him.

Fast forward a week.  I'm two states away enrolling my oldest in school.  The local High School is 1100 students and I'm signing the consent form for them to get my daughters psych eval from her Day Treatment Center when I see the counselor.  She's heading into her office and I slip in behind her just as she's closing the door, telling her I need to chat with her about my daughter.  She has apparently already spoken with my daughters case manager and read the I.E.P., although she (obviously) hasn't seen the eval yet.  So I express my concerns - that 1100 students is FAR to large a school, my daughter will get lost and give up.  That she needs more individual attention.  That emotionally she's about 10 years old but with the body of a 16 year old which is a dangerous combination.  That she bases her self worth on how much attention she can get from boys, and is too naive to protect herself.  I could tell she sort of got it, but not really.

So I asked her if she was familiar with attachment disorder.

And got a blank stare.

She then proceeded to tell me they have a great special ed program at the school that they actually bus students into from all over the district.  That it's a "school within a school" where the students can go when they are feeling overwhelmed or out of sorts, but they do integrate them into the regular classrooms as much as possible. 

That isn't going to work.  I know exactly what is going to happen.  My daughter will get there, become overwhelmed, she'll make sure her blood sugars are so high that she can't focus, which helps her not have to deal with the things that overwhelm her, and she will begin the same downward spiral that I fought so very hard to break her out of by getting her into the DTC in the first place.  I tried to explain this to the counselor and got nowhere.  "We have a nurse that will come in and help her with her blood sugars"... uhh..hello?  She's had "a nurse come in and help her with her blood sugars" ever since kindergarten.  If that was the answer, I wouldn't be in this womans office in the first place.

So what do these two experiences have in common?  Simple... the world needs more education with special needs children.  I know, I know.. people don't want to learn about things that make them uncomfortable or don't benefit them.  Special needs children are not typically the kinds of things that make people feel all warm and cozy inside, so human nature tends to try and put them out of their mind.  Once you learn about something, you tend to recognize it and see it.  Special needs children can be depressing - after all, they're just children and they are going through so much.  That's sad.  If that doesn't break your heart, well.. I dunno what to say about you.  And who wants to go through life seeing sadness everywhere?  Not many people.  So they become good at tuning it out, and resist knowing more about it.

But it has to be done.  There are no cookie-cutter children, they aren't robots, they are innocent children who need our help because they can't do it on their own.  And yet, many of the people tasked with helping them seem to turn a blind eye to their individual difficulties and treat them as though they are all cut from the same cloth.  It's time we, as parents, stand up and educate them.  Mental health issues in children need to be addressed and faced.  Even if you can't do much, you can do something.  Even if it's something as simple as "accidentally" leaving a website up on a computer at the library, or leaving a book out.  Join a support group if you have any nearby (strength in numbers ya know), or attend school district counsel meetings.  Maybe, even just go in and have a chat with the school counselor. 

We may leave frustrated, but eventually we can win. And when we win, our children win.

Moonbeam Jerry does right by children with autism...

I am Governor Jerry Brown
My aura smiles
And never frowns
Soon I will be president...

Ahhh.... Even though I'm now all "grown up", I still love the Dead Kennedys.  And having Jerry Brown as the governor of California again has caused me to pull out all the old stuff (although now I have it on CD instead of vinyl).  It was easy to make fun of him back then - after all, I was a teenager and knew everything!

But he just signed a bill forcing insurance companies to provide coverage for children with autism and other developmental disabilities, and I find myself thinking he's not such a clown after all.  Currently in California, insurers can deny coverage for developmental disabilities because they are classified as an "education" service.  This all changes next July!  Although neither of my children suffer from autism, I am ecstatic for those parents who will be helped by this.

When I first started this blog, I really delved into the world of Special Needs Parenting blogs, and a vast majority of them are by parents dealing with autism.  I had *no clue* how common this problem was (and is), despite a family member being affected by it, and it makes me sad.

I am no longer the young punk who just wanted to play his music and ignore the world - I want to make a difference.  In my life, my childrens lives, and the lives of those around me.  But although I can fight and kick and scream for change, I'm no politician.  I don't have the power they do.  And although the punk rocker inside me still dislikes "the establishment", I at least feel better knowing that at least one of them has taken a step forward to provide help for the children who need it the most.

Go Moonbeam!

Moving... from one battle to another

Well with the big move almost complete (the younger daughter and I are in Seattle now, while the wife and older daughter are still in San Francisco for another week or so), I finally have Internet access and am back.  Before the move I decided that I would only bring the younger daughter up with me for several reasons.  One being the thought that the older daughter would be more helpful with packing things up and getting the old place ready to hand back over to the owners (we felt the younger one would just hinder that process).  Another being that she would be able to remain in the day treatment center for that much longer before transferring up here where we have no idea where she'll end up.  Another big reason is one-on-one time.  The younger one needs more alone time with me, and the older one needs more alone time with the wife.  Both of them work really hard to divide the family into two teams (younger and mom vs older and dad) so we figured this would take them out of their element and force them to rely on the parent they are always fighting against.

And it seems to be working - without the other sibling around, both girls have been fairly cooperative and RRFTBA (Responsible, Respectful and Fun To Be Around) which is really all we ask of them.

Of course, this isn't to say things have gone smoothly.  The week prior to the youngest and I heading up to Seattle, things ramped up quite a bit.  The oldest began acting out, which we expected, but we weren't quite prepared for the intensity of it.  A week before the initial move I received a call from her case manager who told me she was becoming violent at school.  Of course, usually when she acted out at school we had "quiet time" at home - she rarely acted out in both places.  Not so this time.  What they were seeing at school was exactly what we were seeing at home.  It got bad enough that the day before we left, we ended up calling the police (as instructed by her case manager) due to a physical altercation between the two girls.  Who started it I don't know, but it quickly escalated to the point where the younger one had bruises on her neck from being karate chopped several times (and the older one doesn't even know karate!). 

It was pretty apparent that the older daughter was acting out because she didn't want to stay behind and she figured if she could make mom upset enough, she would just HAVE to come with me.  And boy did she try to make that happen!  But we didn't give in, and although she continued to act out for several days after we left, she eventually eased up and mellowed out.  Last I heard, she was actually being helpful with packing things up!  Of course, I kept trying to tell her that the more she helped out, the easier it would be and the sooner we could get them up here, but reasoning and future planning isn't exactly a strong point with most RADs.

Are things easy?  Oh hell no... but they are getting better.  I still have my concerns about where she'll end up here - the local High School that she would normally attend is 1100 people.  Far too large for her - she'll get lost in the crowd.  Her IEP states that she needs to attend a "non-public day treatment center", but I suspect the school is going to try and get around that.  So I know I have a huge fight ahead of me.  Granted, this particular HS allegedly has the best Special Ed program of all the HSs in the district (we really did luck out with the schools here - all the Junior and Senior High Schools around here are 5 star) but she doesn't want to be in Special Ed.  She wants to be in mainstream classes, which have been proven NOT to work for her. 

So although the work to get her into the right program for her is just beginning, at least the " battle for supremacy" at home has faded and I no longer have to stress on that - I can now use all my spare energy fighting the schools again.  And hopefully get something in place before she comes up here and again pushes her boundaries trying to see what she can get away with in a new  place....

Mixing RAD and Diabetes for fun and... well... not fun

I think one of the more frustrating things about RAD is the intensity of the childs “need” for control.  Oftentimes, I don’t think they are doing it on purpose, but I can’t imagine what else they are thinking.  Let’s take my oldest.  She has both type-1 diabetes (insulin dependant) and RAD… NOT a good combination! 

Since one of the easiest things for children in general to control is their food, it’s not uncommon to have food “battles” from time to time.  But with a diabetic, that “control” can have disastrous consequences if it’s allowed to run amok.  I’ve spoken with other parents who have children with type-1 diabetes and they all tell the tales of food battles and the daily drama of trying to help their teenager maintain their blood sugars.

So… teens in general can use food as a control issue

Children with diabetes can ramp up that as a controlling issue simply because they can

Now add RAD, which comes with a deep rooted NEED for control at any cost, and you can imagine (or probably not, but you’re welcome to try!) the daily battles that are fought.

“Pick your battles” we are told often.  Sure, believe it or not we do.  Have a nighttime accident? Whatever – just clean it up.  Don’t want to do your chores? OK, that’s your choice but you aren’t getting desert if they aren’t done.  We’re not going to fight over that.

But when it becomes a battle that has potentially fatal consequences, that is one we have to fight.  Whether we want to or not.  And she knows this.

 At her age, she SHOULD be able to handle her diabetes appropriately.  Not perfectly, appropriately.  There is a difference and we recognize that.  Her diabetes doctor and nurse often tell us we shouldn’t be so “controlling” over it, that she’s certainly old enough to handle it.  But they aren’t familiar with her RAD – they know of her what she lets them know when they see her once every three months.  And that includes years of triangulation efforts.  So they don’t really know her. 

We really wish we COULD back off and give her space to handle it herself.  We WANT to not have to lord over her and check and double check that she has done what she needs to do to keep herself safe, but again we’re back at that darn control issue.  If she can keep us dancing around her diabetes, that puts her in control.  Even though it sends the message she’s not ready to have the control, which ultimately removes the control from her resulting in even more intense control battles.  A downward spiral for sure.

To those who wonder how bad it could be to give her a little more control over it since that’s what she desires?  Let’s take an example from the other day.  She is supposed to check her blood glucose levels at lunchtime, and again before she leaves the day treatment center.  This allows her to determine whether she needs insulin or a snack.  On this particular day, her case manager went home early which gave our daughter the opportunity to take things into her own hands.  So she didn’t test before leaving school (“I have the power to control whether I test or not”) and, because she didn’t get the message that my wife was going to pick her up from the library, she went to the local dog park where she thought she was supposed to meet. 

For those who aren’t familiar with diabetes, people with a working pancreas tend to have blood sugars that range between 90 and 120.  I personally can feel it when I drop below 90.. when I hit the mid 70s I start to get a little cranky, and when I drop below 70 I find it hard to think.  On this particular day, when my wife (who wasn’t going to go to the dog park but decided to at the last minute) found my daughter there, she asked her to test her glucose (we always do when she comes home so we know how to plan our dinner).  At first she was resistant and didn’t want to test (more control anybody?).  Eventually she relented and it turns out her glucose was at 51 and dropping.  I’ve seen her drop to the mid 20s and still be able to talk.  I have also seen her drop so low that she can’t walk or speak coherently, and once she had such low sugars that she got on a bus heading in the wrong direction.  Had my wife not changed her mind and gone to the dog park, our daughter would have been walking around, with her blood sugars dropping and without her emergency carbohydrates on her (she usually carries around a bag of raisins, but frequently ‘forgets’ them.  In this case, she actually DID have them with her, but didn’t realize it because her sugars were too low for her to think clearly).  By the time she would have realized my wife wasn’t coming to pick her up, she would have easily been in the low 40s.  Then, she would have had to make the 11 block walk home, which would have dropped her into the 20’s and the possibility that she wouldn’t have made it home at all (passing out along the way) would have been very real. 

If this were an isolated incident, we wouldn’t worry about it.  But it’s a pattern.  A pattern those who say “just give her more control over it” don’t see.  A pattern that that, quite honestly, scares the crap out of me.  And those people who say “give her more control”, well they aren’t the ones who would be subjected to yet another CPS investigation if she were to end up in the hospital yet again.  They aren’t the ones who would have to live with themselves if something were to happen to her because they didn’t do everything they could to keep her safe.  We are.  And it takes its toll…

She wants X (more control), We want X (for her to have more control).  So why must she fight us every step of the way?  Why can’t she see that if she were just to do things our way, that she would get what she wants (control) without all the drama, headache, heartache, and bad feelings.  Oh yeah, RADs have to do it their way.  No matter the cost.

*sigh*

When a simple request turns into a nightmare...

Lately there have been some definite improvements in my daughters behavior.  Certainly she’s still up to some of the same old tricks, but the massive blowups and WWIII style drama explosions are further apart.  

So imagine my surprise when a simple request to “please feed the cats” would cause such a ruckus!!  We were in the kitchen, I was finishing up the days dishes, wife was preparing dinner, and my daughter started to unload the dish drainer.  The cats hadn’t eaten so I asked her to do that instead. 

From there it was all downhill.

For some reason that really seemed to dysregulate her and I could practically feel her frustration.  Then I watched her fill up 2 bowls (we have three cats) to overflowing and put the cat food away.  When I pointed out that was too much food, especially for our overweight pig.. err I mean cat, as well as for the older cat who tends to overeat and then vomit, I could practically feel her ready to explode.  So she returned almost all the food to the container, leaving about 7 pieces in each of 2 bowls.  When I said something along the lines of “come on, really? They need more than that” it was ON.  So she ended up in her room for the evening and wouldn’t talk to me when I went back to show her that although I didn’t approve of her behavior, I still loved her. She hasn’t had a blow up like that in MONTHS and I really couldn’t figure out wtf was up.  It was like she went from 0 to 100 in 20 seconds and I was at a loss… where did this come from?  It’s not like we asked her to paint the bathroom with her toothbrush, or cut off all her hair, or some other odd request.  Just asked her to feed the cats – something we all do.

Then, a day or two later we figured it out.  When she returned from grandmas the Sunday prior, she lost her anti-depressants.  Why she didn’t tell us, I have no idea.  But when we would ask if she took them, she would tell us yes – but obviously she hadn’t.  Turns out they had fallen out of her backpack in the trunk of the car and gotten into another bag with some camping stuff (we had just returned ourselves and hadn’t gotten around to completely emptying the trunk).  Thankfully we finally found them.  But I really don’t understand why she was telling us she was taking them when she wasn’t.  Or why she didn’t tell us she couldn’t find them?  Would have been a simple matter to look for them or even just refill the prescription.

I knew there was something different about her all that week.  I thought it was just the beginning of school, but it was definitely noticeable.  She, of course, says she’s no different on or off of them, but I’m not the only person who noticed.  When I spoke with her case manager this morning and mentioned it to her, she had an “a-ha!” moment – apparently my daughter had been VERY volatile all week and they were trying to figure it out also.  Like me, they had attributed it to it being the first week of school but thought there must have been something else going on. 

I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out her thought process and why she just let it go.  But I can’t.  And she’s not telling….. 

How her RAD came to be....

Reactive Attachment Disorder typically affects adopted children or those who live in the foster system for any length of time. And once you understand what causes the issue, it's not hard to see why. Less obvious is why children who live with their biological parents develop the disorder. Especially to parents who cared for their children and can't imagine a mother (or father) being any other way. After all, who could not love and care for their own child? Especially to the point where it causes lifelong problems? I know I have often felt awkward or misunderstood when I talk to people about my daughters issues. After all, with the exception of the first 6 months or so when I was in the US Navy and stationed on the other coast, and another 3 months while we were separated and going through the divorce and custody proceedings, I was there with her. Granted, I worked all day so I wasn't there the way her mother (who didn't work) was, but when I got home I would do what most parents do - I would bathe her, feed her, play with her, put her down at night, etc. So how bad did it have to be for this problem to develop? Well... oddly enough, when packing up for the move my daughter and I stumbled across my saved divorce paperwork. well ok, I found it and she noticed it when I picked up the folder wrong and it all went sliding out onto the floor. And of course, the worst of it was right on top. Which she read. This was the brief that I had filed with the court requesting immediate custody be granted out of concern for my daughters physical well being. Because it was filed with the court, it's all a matter of public record so it's not like I'm divulging any secrets here. But if you were to meet my daughter today, you would never know some of the things she endured. You might never guess that she had been through so much as such a young age. But it did, and she did, and I'm only putting this up here to show that you never, ever know what you don't know, and this paints a pretty good picture of how her attachment disorder came to be.

Names have been redacted since they aren't really relevant, but if you really HAVE to know it is, like I said, a matter of public record and you can go look it up :) A. is my daughter, and S. is her older, half-sister who was about 8 at the time. Also, I'm taking it directly from the brief since that is more accurate than my memory (some of these I had forgotten about even)...

A. During my visits to the apartment since the date of separation, I have found dirty dishes stacked up, garbage cans which had spilled over onto the floor, food and drink left on the kitchen floor, and sharp objects left with the baby's reach. On several occasions I have seen A. taking food from the garbage can and putting it in her mouth. There was no apparent supervision.

B. On several occasions during my visits, I have found the front door unlocked and the children unsupervised. Several times, Respondent was asleep in the rear bedroom with the door closed, and on April 19, 1997 Respondent was unaware that S. had left to go somewhere with the neighbors, and insisted S. was in the front room. During recent conversations with S., she has indicated she has assumed increasing responsibility for her baby sister's care, in that she has been allowed to bath the baby unsupervised and is allowed to play outside with A., again without supervision. During a conversation on April 21, 1997, S. pointed out new scrapes on her elbows from a roller-blading mishap. When I asked why she hadn't tried to break her fall, she replied "Because I didn't want to drop A.". As the apartment is on a long road which parallels Highway 80, it is common for cars to speed past on a regular basis, creating a potentially hazardous situation.

C. On or about April 3, 1997, Respondent was served with a 30 day notice to vacate the apartment in which she and the minor children reside. To date, there has been no indication she has made any efforts to obtain replacement housing. during a discussion on April 30, 1997 with S.T., Owner and Landlord of the apartment building, he advised me he has made several attempts to collect the rent but Respondent filed to open the door or make any attempt whatsoever to resolve the situation.

D. On April 6, 1997 Petitioner took A. to Childrens Hospital Oakland Urgent Care Clinic for treatment of Chicken Pox. She had been suffering from a full outbreak for three days prior to that time, during which Respondent made no effort to obtain medical treatment.

E. A. suffered severe nerve damage in her left arm at birth, resulting in initial inability to use her arm. She has slowly been gaining limited use of the arm; however, continued improvement is dependent on continued physical therapy. She had been receiving physical therapy through California Childrens Services but was dropped from the program due to Respondents's failure to keep scheduled appointments.

F. On April 26, 1997, Respondent, upon learning that my health care coverage had been extended to cover A., demanded said coverage be cancelled in order to receive additional treatment through CCS at no cost. Respondent insisted A. had been re-enrolled in the physical therapy program due to a lack of insurance and had already resumed treatment. however, during a phone conversation on may 1, 1997 with Cynthia at California Childrens Services, I was informed that although A. could be considered for reinstatement to the program upon re-referral from her physician, there had been no such request, nor was there any record of contact with Respondent during the past 6 months.



Interestingly, there has been no repercussion from my daughter having seen and read this brief. I would have thought for sure that it would have triggered something.. anything... but it didn't. I think if we had come across this even 6 months ago, her reaction would have been very different and we would have had fall-out for days. Between that and the improvements in both her behavior and attitude, I know we're on the right track. She has been through so much - much more than many people - and every time I think about it, it breaks my heart. But it's going to be ok. SHE is going to be ok. I know it.

Love alone can't make up for the experiences she's had. But with our love, commitment, and lots and lots of work, there is hope for a better future.