Experts?

As RAD parents, we find ourselves fighting daily just to keep on top of things, and it doesn't help with the people who are supposed to be helping us are completely clueless. A couple of days ago I took the final step to get the most recent CPS case closed by meeting with a caseworker at the Homeless PreNatal program for an exit interview. Now, I'm neither homeless NOR pregnant, but apparently it was reported to CPS that I was out drinking and doing drugs while my RAD sat locked in her room starving (did I ever mention my daughter is a master of manipulation at any cost?). Caseworker asked how my RAD was doing and I explained she was doing much better now that she's in a Day Treatment program and can no longer get away with her games. Caseworker gave me a quizzical look and I told her my RAD has RAD. She had no idea what that was??!!? I would think that a caseworker who deals with at risk youth and their families would at least have heard of Reactive Attachment Disorder, but she hadn't. So I had her fire up her browser and go to http://www.thelittleprince.org/symptomsandcausesofrad.html where I showed her the symptoms of RAD. She was shocked, especially when I explained that my RAD exhibits 17 of the 20 symptoms to one degree or another, and that this is something we've been fighting for years.

At that point the discussion turned from my alleged issues to RAD children and how difficult it is to parent them. We easily spent 30 minutes on that subject alone and I think (hope?) that by the time I left she was curious and interested enough to learn more about the condition.

I find it somewhat distressing that even the "experts" who work in a field where they come into contact with high-risk children regularly can be so uninformed about something that can cause such upheaval and problems for their clients. Looks like us, as RAD parents, now have to add "Educator" to our ever growing list of "professions" that we have to be good at just to raise our children. But if we take it upon ourselves to educate others, those that come after us may be able to get the help we wish we had at an earlier age. So carry around your notebook of notes, bookmark those URLs, and never be afraid to question the "experts". After all, nobody is an expert on your child like you are!

Isolation and lonliness

Parenting a child with special needs can sometimes be a lonely and isolating job, especially when that child has traits that tend to alienate others. People with non-special needs children rarely understand (or even seem to WANT to understand) what we go through, and so they don't really make the best people to go to when you're having a problem at home, which for those of us with children of trauma is pretty much all the time! So with nobody really to talk to, it's not uncommon for parents to feel like they're doing this all on their own.

Even parents who don't suffer from any mental or emotional issues of their own feel this from time to time. But if the parent has any problems of their own, it can double those feelings of isolation. Myself for example, I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depression, and mild Bi-Polar issues, so when it hits, it REALLY hits. This morning for example, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed with my RAD and just hold her - not get up for work, not do much of anything really. But as adults, we can't just shut down, and especially us Trauma-Mommas/RAD-Dads - we know more than anybody that life isn't going to wait for us to feel better so we soldier on. Which brings me to the point of this whole rambling mess. If you're parenting a child of trauma, you need to not try to go it alone. Find out if there is a support group in your area (surprisingly, there aren't ANY support groups for RAD parents in San Francisco? We have to travel down the peninsula once a month) and get involved. If there aren't any, perhaps consider starting one if you're in an urban area where it's likely there are other parents like you. Lastly, consider stopping by the Attachment Disorder Support Group online. It's not just a bunch of parents whining about their problems, but a group of people that "get it", and it's frequently my first stop online in the mornings. It's other parents who have either lived it, or are living it, and there is no shortage of great advice, helpful hints, compassion and, possibly most importantly, lots and lots of humor. Really, where else can you discuss things such as children who eat strange things or can't remember to add their own clothes when doing laundry, or even who do their laundry in the microwave without getting strange looks? Certainly not the PTA!!

So if you haven't checked them out, do yourself a favor and swing by. It can't cure your child, but they may just save your sanity.

When 2 hours feels like 6....

Well this weekend was definitely an adventure. Saturday evening we took the dogs to the park near our house. It's not a large park, but it's not small either. We first took them to the dog run where they ran and played a bit while ODD and RAD played with the other dogs. Wife and I decided to walk around a bit so we called the dogs and both daughters knew we were leaving and saw which direction we were going. As a little background, we have had problems in the past with ODD and RAD taking off and just going to the playground without telling us and we have gone over and over with them how they need to stay within earshot so that when we're ready to leave we don't have to go looking for them. About a week ago we couldn't find them so we left and went home (it's probably one of the safer neighborhoods in SF so we were comfortable with them finding their way home). It's only about 10 blocks and they eventually showed up after realizing we were gone. Of course it was our fault that we had left, not theirs that they had gone out of range, but that's how they think. So anyway, we slowly sauntered around the park and lake before heading towards the car. We looked and called for the girls but couldn't find them, and I even went back to the dog run to see if they were still there. They weren't. So we left.

As we were leaving, we stopped by the playground to see if they were there and they weren't so we continued on home. 30 minutes passed and we started looking out the window for them.. then an hour passed and they still weren't home so I decided to go back to the park to look for them. Didn't see them on the streets heading home so I started to get worried. The park is about 6 blocks long and I pulled in about the middle to see if they were at the card shack (where we had seen some teenage boys earlier) and saw RAD leaning against the wall with ODD standing behind her. I had to drive another block to find a parking spot and when I went back over there I guess they had seen the car because they were right there. And they were angry. They said they had been looking for us this whole time... really? They noticed the car was gone and didn't realize we had left? They also claimed that, even though we knew at least 4 or 5 people at the dog run, they never once thought about borrowing a phone to call us. Hmmmmmm.... they *always* borrow phones to call... something didn't seem right. Got them home and separated them to ask them what happened. Different story from each one of course, so the best we can figure is RAD thought one of the teenage boys was cute, ODD convinced her to go flirt with him. So they hung out with these boys, showing off for them. RAD is really tall for her age (5'11") and when she "shows off" she acts like a 10 year old which can be pretty embarrassing. Then ODD somehow talked RAD into asking this boy for his phone number. We're pretty sketchy about what happened next, but the boys left and next time we go to the park, it won't be the dogs on the leashes....

Week at Grandmas.....?

I don't know whether to be happy or scared that my mother has agreed to take RAD for a week while we get some respite. On one hand I'm ecstatic that we will get such a huge respite (usually only get a day or two per year). On the other hand, even a single night away requires a weeks worth of "repair". She had one night away last weekend and it's now Thursday and we're STILL dealing with fall-out. Thankfully, we have a close working relationship with her caseworker at the Day Treatment Center and they are very helpful with getting RAD back on track, but any crack in the plan that RAD can find she will abuse it. So it's a lot of stress, time, attention and phone calls that go into 'post visit care' so to speak.

When discussing the possibility of a visit, I had a good long chat with grandma about RADs issues. She has always been of the frame of mind that it's just bad parenting and RAD just needs more freedom to be herself. Which of course is exactly NOT what she needs (unless frequent trips to the ER are your idea of good parenting). So I have just under 1 month to educate her. Whether or not she will actually listen is a whole other story...

I was going to update today (I try to do it on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays), but another person has already said everything I was going to say, and said it better.  Please read Tracy Ds blog at

http://attachmentsupport.blogspot.com/2011/07/with-casey-anthony-trial-over-and-not.html

Apology? Don't hold your breath....

OK so I get it.  I really do.  Few people really like to admit their mistakes, but we do.  If we cause an accident, we apologize, fix it, and move on.  So what drives a RAD to not only not apologize but take things so personally?  I honestly don't know if this is a RAD trait or not, but I wouldn't be surprised to find it is.  The other day, on the morning we were to go camping for the night so we would be in a good place to watch fireworks for the 4th of July (San Francisco is usually too foggy to bother so we decided to head down the coast to Carmel for the night) and we had just spent the day prior doing some deep housecleaning.  We were finishing up so we could get out, and ODD and RAD were returning things to where they belong when RAD dropped a 40 year old piece of handcarved Bavarian art and it broke.  It's fixable, but that isn't the point.  When my wife saw it, she didn't yell or criticize, but she was understandably upset.  Ask yourself, what would you do if you dropped something valuable and it broke?  Personally, I would pick up the pieces, give it to the person it belonged to, apologize, and offer to find a way to get it fixed if possible.  RAD? Not so.  Rather, she got huffy and and developed a bit of an attitude over it.  When it became obvious that no apology was going to be forthcoming, wife told RAD to leave the room, saying she didn't want to see her right then.  RAD somehow in her head turned this into an affront on her and stood in the hallway with her arms crossed and all pi**ed off as if somebody had actually broken something of hers!

Personally, I think she was mad at herself, and perhaps she can really only experience one emotion at a time?  She certainly does see things very simply at times.  But she didn't seem to see any reason to apologize since it was an accident (isn't that the best time to apologize?).  Or perhaps she felt justified in not apologizing it, after all it's not her REAL mom, who she has abandonment issues with.  But the fact that she became almost defiant over this is something I just can't grasp.  What was going on in her head that caused her to react this way?  I wish I had all the answers (or even a couple of them!)

Forgetfulness...

OK.  I know it's not uncommon for kids of all types to have 'selective memory' as my parents always called it. I know with a mind full of all sorts of things, it's easy to forget some things, especially unimportant details.  But I was always under the impression that if something is a habit, it's just something you do, mostly without thinking about it.  It doesn't take long for something to become a habit.. I think I read somewhere it takes 40 days (or thereabouts) to establish one.  So if there is something you have done every day for 12 y ears, you would think that it would almost second nature.  Well apparently not so with RADs.  I've spoken with parents whose RADs have forgotten all sorts of things that you wouldn't imagine.  Such as how to go to the bathroom, or how to get dressed.  So I suppose it should come as no surprise when my RAD leaves for school without her blood glucose testing kit. Something she has used 8-10 times per day for the past 12 years.  But she did just that.  All she has to do in the morning is get up, eat breakfast (often prepared for her), get dressed, brush her teeth, and make sure she has her kit when she leaves for school.  A routine that shouldn't take more than 20 minutes (especially if she's not making her own breakfast!), yet she can barely manage to accomplish it in an hour, and sometimes that's not even enough time (such as today).

The brains of RADs are wired differently than non-RADs.  That much is a given.  And it's never more evident than when you watch them do things that seem completely linear to us.  But their brains don't work in linear fashion much of the time.  One parent called it "steel wool thinking" because their thoughts are all over the place.  One dad mentioned his daughter would take 6 hours to mow their lawn, even though he could do it in under 1 hour.  He said he sat there and watched her do it one day, and instead of going in straight lines back and forth like most people would, she was all over the place zig-zagging and weaving back and forth.  That gives a pretty good picture of how their thoughts work - it's never A-B-C but A-B-A-D-F-B-C.

Sometimes I wonder how these kids ever get anything done at all!