The Looming Transition

Soon the transition begins.  One more week of DTC, then a break for one week, then the fall session begins.  And with that comes the transition to the general High School  It's only 2 classes a day (after lunch), and after speaking with another parent whose daughter recently transitioned, it sounds like they have good support in place, but my daughter didn't do so well at the general High School before.  So we are undoubtedly anxious.  My daughter definitely has it in her to succeed if she chooses, it's just that she doesn't have the best history of making the best choices.  As with most children afflicted with RAD, it's all about the instant gratification, the NOW - consequences be damned.  Those can be dealt with later.  And that puts an incredible amount of strain on a relationship, no matter who is involved.  Few things are as painful as loving somebody who doesn't care about their self.  Certainly much progress has been  made over the past couple of years - even with the move.  Definitely we are happy to get her out of her current program where she seems to have stagnated.  But the fear that things will return to where they were before is very real.  The police, the social workers, CPS breathing down our necks - all because of the choices made by a teen. 

She still enjoys playing the pity card - and that's what got us into trouble to begin with.  When you're a kid, what better way to get attention from people than to tell them your parents "starve" and "torture" you?  Although I think she has come a long way, she still wants people to pity her - and that could lead us right down that same road. 

But it's a chance we'll have to take in order for her to continue healing.  She doesn't deal well with change - even little change.  If things such as changing seats at the dinner table can set her off, changing High Schools is going to be no piece of cake.  If all she does is return to cutting, is it still a success?  In our case I'm going to declare that a win...

Job Corps?

Well she turns 17 in a couple of weeks.  I can't believe it.  I remember being 17 and my life was so much different than hers.  My life wasn't perfect and I wasn't exactly a "good kid" (was going through a lot and probably had full blown PTSD by that point), but I had more freedom and was more responsible.  It's not that she can't - she just won't.  We've tried and tried to get her out there and get a job, to have friends, to DO things, but she seems perfectly comfortable where she's at - which is home, with us, all the time.  Not content.  Not by a long shot.  But comfortable.  Comfortable enough where she's not willing to make the effort required to change things.

This doesn't make us feel overly confident for when she turns 18.  Will she be ready to live on her own?  I think the answer to that is a resounding NO.  There are certain aspects of her life, such as diabetes management, where I know she'll do fine.  It may take a while for her to get into the swing of it, but I know that she knows what to do.  It's the other things... getting a job, paying bills, continuing her education - all the "adult" things that she has no clue or desire for.

Enter Job Corps.  We hope.  We've started the process to get her in there.  We don't qualify under their income requirements, but they make exceptions for people with disabilities - I'm hoping between the type-1 diabetes, the erbs palsy in her left arm, and her emotional issues that she will qualify.  We just aren't sure yet.  I'm hoping her DTC will be able to assist with getting her in as well.  They should - they've done it for other children and if anybody should be able to weasel her in it would be social workers and counselors. 

Not only would this move her out of her comfort zone, but it would give her the life skills that we've been trying to foster in her.  Of course, as parents, nothing we say or do makes any difference - we're the bad guys.  So hopefully when it comes from somebody else it will make a difference?  I think it will.  She'll be forced to be responsible for herself and that's what she needs.

The beauty of it is they have a Culinary Arts program - which she is really excited about.  Did I say "excited"?  I guess I should say "interested in a nonplussed kind of way" since she rarely gets "excited" about anything.  I think I'm more excited about this than she is.  But she has a friend from her DTC that is there so at least she'll know somebody (assuming they end up in the same place).

Who knows... either way, it'll be an adventure she will carry around with her for the rest of her life.. with any luck it will be a positive, life changing adventure...

little things that add up

Had to drop off my daughters lunch at her school today.  One of her teachers saw me and asked "rough morning?" and chuckled.  Because he gets it.  And it WAS a rough morning, but for all little things.  Little things that don't mean a lot by themselves.. annoyances such as a library card that disappears and then reappears magically, things that supposedly get used but the user can't tell you where all the pieces are, just little stuff.  But the problem is that when you add up all the little things, it paints a picture of somebody who is still playing games and, as hard as it is to accept, isn't ready to cooperate honestly. 

As the parent of a RAD, this isn't uncommon.  It's nothing we haven't dealt with for years (and years, and years, and...).  give a little, lose a little.  Slowly we ARE gaining ground, but slowly is definitely the key word here.  And we're running out of time.  We're going camping next week, and the oldest daughter doesn't want to go.  She's never been a big fan of camping and we have always tried to accommodate her, knowing that if she doesn't want to be there, and doesn't HAVE to be there, it's more pleasant when she's NOT there.  This isn't to say we don't enjoy spending time with her - if I had my way, I'd love for her to come - I love spending time with her.. but I already know how it will turn out.. she'll be miserable and that makes everybody miserable (we're already going to get enough misery from her sister).

So my sister graciously agreed to allow her to stay there for the week.  Which is pretty awesome, especially since she is already having guests over that week.  But at least with her we know she's safe and in a warm, loving environment.  So that has been the carrot. 

But ogres don't like carrots.. and when the oldest daughter gets in these moods, that's what she reminds me of.. A big, grumpy ogre.  Rather than be honest, she would rather continue to play her games and miss out on going to her Aunts house.  And it's not like she'd get in trouble either - we already know what is going on - it's not like she is hiding some shocking news that is going to piss us off.  But we can't ignore the game either.  Well.. I suppose we could.. we could let her have her way.  But the real world doesn't reward games like that - not if you're going to work for somebody.  Not if you're going to rent a place to live.. pretty much nobody you deal with is going to let you get away with those games for long.  So why should we teach her it's ok? 

Besides, if we can't trust her with a library card, how are we supposed to trust her with her diabetes?  Especially just a couple of weeks after finding 4 syringes filled with insulin that she was hiding from us and injecting herself with randomly?  I can't, in good conscious, just drop her at my sisters with all that going on - my sister has enough to deal with already without having to follow her around 24/7 to try and keep her safe.

Of course it's OUR fault.  WE are the ones who smother her.  WE are the ones who don't let her do anything.  WE are forcing her to do things she doesn't want to do (i.e. go camping).  Again we're back to the lack of cause and effect thinking common among RADs.  It just doesn't exist (at least not at levels found in neuro-typical children).  And no matter how far along I thing we've gotten.  No matter how much progress I think we've made.  We are, time and time again, reminded that some things are just too deep to fix easily....

I can do it - but don't want you to know...

Well, it looks like the transition to the general HS will be delayed.  Am I disappointed? Yes.. Surprised? Not at all.  It has always been the pattern.  When there is something good to be gained, my daughter works hard for it.  Then, when it's almost a sure thing and she has done so well, she sabotages it.    We aren't sure whether this latest round will be enough to keep the transition from moving forward since there is still time to pull it together, but my daughter has definitely told me she is anxious about the move and hopes this "puts off" her transition (her words, not mine).

The thing is, there is something that needs to be done.  That "thing" needs to be done within certain parameters as set forth by doctors and social workers, with minimal interference from parents and teachers.  Only then can we move on to "freedom".  We already *know* she can do that "thing" - she has proven it to me several times.  But, when she doesn't do it within the guidelines, we can't be sure of her safety, hence the restriction (the guidelines were put in place after some near fatal mistakes she made - we don't just put them there arbitrarily as some have though).  A restriction which we're all hoping we can dump sooner than later - all she needs to do is do the "thing" within the guidelines.

But she refuses.  So we have to keep starting over from square one.  Being in square one may or may not prevent her from transitioning, but it's certainly going to make the transition much harder on her than it needs to be.

She's a teenager.  I get it.. she wants to do things her way.  I certainly did.  But if somebody had told me "you need to do A and show us so we can move on and you can have your freedom with it", I sure as heck would have done it and said "look, here it is now leave me alone".  But not her.  She would rather do it, and hide it from us.  Make sense?  It does to her... yeah, I don't get it either.

destruction and drama

Came across a photo last night.  It was an old photo - maybe 15 years old, where the wife, oldest daughter and I were all standing in our Halloween costumes.  Or at least that's what it used to be.  Both the wife and daughter had been torn out of it. 

Since we (well, we being the little sister) found it in a box of stuff in the garage that belonged to the older sister, it was pretty obvious who had done the 'pre photoshop style editing' job.  So we asked her about it.

Instantly she became really upset.  We weren't accusing her, we weren't even mad at her.  We were just a bit shocked and definitely confused.  Why did she do that?  It's not like her love-hate relationship with her step mother is any big secret.  Some days step mom has a closer relationship with her than I do, other days.. not so much.  (thankfully, there are more 'good' days than not, but it hasn't always been that way). 

But why rip up the photo?  Obviously she was mad at the time.  Ok.  Got it. 

But it wasn't the ripped photo that carried through the night - that was pretty much addressed and done with.  But daughter refused to eat dinner.  Said she didn't want to listen to people whispering about the photo (eh?).  She refused to tell me when or why, saying she didn't understand why people are upset.  After all, "it's just a picture".

And it is "just a picture".  And in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter.  Nor does the When or the Why it was ruined.  Those are pretty easy to figure out and are pretty much par for the course when it comes to RAD.  But I can't figure out her reaction.  Was she upset at herself for ruining the picture when she was mad?  Was she upset that I was upset that she ripped step mom out of the photo?  Was she just upset about.. well.. I dunno?!?!  Is she PMSing?  Is something going on at school? (oh wait, yesterday was the first day of Summer vacation - at least we didn't have THAT blow up.. yet)...

Just when I think I have a handle on this thing, I find that's only on the surface... underneath RAD is a whole world of WTF...

Sold out...

Parenting children is hard.  I think it's a hard job no matter how "neuro-typical" your child is.  Sometimes the hardest thing about it is knowing how thankless of a job it is.  Sure - eventually your child will (you hope) learn to appreciate all the sacrifices and hardships you went through for them, but other than the rare moments, that doesn't usually happen until they've moved out.

Of course, in typical RAD fashion, these kids take it to a whole other level.  These are children who, in their drive to protect themselves at any cost, will step on anybody to keep their head above water and keep breathing.  For them it's a matter of survival.  But even knowing this doesn't make it easy to swallow when it happens to you.  It's easy to remain clinical and detached when it's happening to somebody else.  After all, that's how these kids are wired and it shouldn't be taken personally.  But when you're the one being stepped on and you realize that all you've done, all you've given up, is - if even for a minute - worthless in your childs eyes, it's a horribly painful stab in the heart.

When I was growing up I had more than enough reason to hate my parents.  Not in the typical "you made me clean my room when I wanted to go play baseball so now I hate you because you're ruining my life" kind of way, but a "you sick bastard, how could you do that to a child, you deserve to rot in hell" kind of way.  But even with that, I was always protecting and defensive of them. After all, they were my parents.  I knew that even in their own weird way, they loved me.  They weren't perfect (farrrrr from it), but I knew I would never have to worry about food, clothing or shelter. 

As for me, I may not be the perfect parent either, but I'm 10x better than my parents were, and my children are safe.  So when I read on Facebook this morning a comment from one woman to my soon-to-be 17 year old that "the suffocation is about to be over!" in a context that can only refer to her turning 18 and moving out, it was a slap to the face.  This is the same woman that was bringing my daughter food every morning (laden with carbohydrates even though she knew my daughter is a diabetic.. and she's a nurse?) and then called CPS on my to report I wasn't feeding my daughter (despite my having my cupboards and fridge stocked with food).  


I know this woman has been totally misled by my daughter - she makes the perfect RADsnack, eating up everything my daughter has told her in the past and turning it all into "oh poor you!", which my daughter just loves.  And I know my daughter has, in the past, tried to turn every relationship into that "poor you" - no matter what she had to say or do to make it so.  But she has matured so much lately.  So many of those behaviors have dropped away and we have made so much progress that it was even that much more of a shock to read that comment.  


She obviously is still milking that "relationship" for whatever she can, and she's willing to do it at my expense.  That tells me we haven't made nearly as much progress as I had thought.  I've read many stories of parents whose RADs had moved out of the house and continued their hurtful behaviors.  I've watched how sad that makes these parents who gave it their all but couldn't overcome the damage done to these children at such a young age.  Then I've looked at all the progress we've made with my daughter and thought "I'm so glad that won't be me"


I can't say that with confidence any longer....

Long time since last post

I can't believe it has been April since my last post here.  That doesn't mean everything has suddenly gotten better, or that there is nothing to write about, simply that I haven't had time.  Some of it has to do with non-RAD related things (such as work..), but some of it IS RAD/ODD related.  We are looking to transition our oldest over to a mainstream HS within the next year.  Possibly as early as Fall on a limited basis.  This, of course, brings great stress to all involved in her care.  Of course the biggest stress is her lack of active participation in her own care.  Nothing can be done without her cooperation, so things tend to move slowly.  Unless it's something she wants of course - then watch how fast she moves! 

The big concern about the transition (at least for us) is the stress this will put her under.  She already doesn't deal well with stress, often resorting to cutting as her way of controlling it.  Putting her under the stress of moving to a new school where she won't have all the support, and will be among her peers is going to be heavy.  It's hard enough for any teen to move into a new place, with new people, but for one with such issues, both self-esteem and others, it's that much harder.  I'm sure she will give us plenty to write about, plenty to discuss, and certainly plenty to worry about.  But for now, we're just taking it day by day and enjoying the recent lull in over-the-top behavior.