Parenting children is hard. I think it's a hard job no matter how "neuro-typical" your child is. Sometimes the hardest thing about it is knowing how thankless of a job it is. Sure - eventually your child will (you hope) learn to appreciate all the sacrifices and hardships you went through for them, but other than the rare moments, that doesn't usually happen until they've moved out.
Of course, in typical RAD fashion, these kids take it to a whole other level. These are children who, in their drive to protect themselves at any cost, will step on anybody to keep their head above water and keep breathing. For them it's a matter of survival. But even knowing this doesn't make it easy to swallow when it happens to you. It's easy to remain clinical and detached when it's happening to somebody else. After all, that's how these kids are wired and it shouldn't be taken personally. But when you're the one being stepped on and you realize that all you've done, all you've given up, is - if even for a minute - worthless in your childs eyes, it's a horribly painful stab in the heart.
When I was growing up I had more than enough reason to hate my parents. Not in the typical "you made me clean my room when I wanted to go play baseball so now I hate you because you're ruining my life" kind of way, but a "you sick bastard, how could you do that to a child, you deserve to rot in hell" kind of way. But even with that, I was always protecting and defensive of them. After all, they were my parents. I knew that even in their own weird way, they loved me. They weren't perfect (farrrrr from it), but I knew I would never have to worry about food, clothing or shelter.
As for me, I may not be the perfect parent either, but I'm 10x better than my parents were, and my children are safe. So when I read on Facebook this morning a comment from one woman to my soon-to-be 17 year old that "the suffocation is about to be over!" in a context that can only refer to her turning 18 and moving out, it was a slap to the face. This is the same woman that was bringing my daughter food every morning (laden with carbohydrates even though she knew my daughter is a diabetic.. and she's a nurse?) and then called CPS on my to report I wasn't feeding my daughter (despite my having my cupboards and fridge stocked with food).
I know this woman has been totally misled by my daughter - she makes the perfect RADsnack, eating up everything my daughter has told her in the past and turning it all into "oh poor you!", which my daughter just loves. And I know my daughter has, in the past, tried to turn every relationship into that "poor you" - no matter what she had to say or do to make it so. But she has matured so much lately. So many of those behaviors have dropped away and we have made so much progress that it was even that much more of a shock to read that comment.
She obviously is still milking that "relationship" for whatever she can, and she's willing to do it at my expense. That tells me we haven't made nearly as much progress as I had thought. I've read many stories of parents whose RADs had moved out of the house and continued their hurtful behaviors. I've watched how sad that makes these parents who gave it their all but couldn't overcome the damage done to these children at such a young age. Then I've looked at all the progress we've made with my daughter and thought "I'm so glad that won't be me"
I can't say that with confidence any longer....
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Long time since last post
I can't believe it has been April since my last post here. That doesn't mean everything has suddenly gotten better, or that there is nothing to write about, simply that I haven't had time. Some of it has to do with non-RAD related things (such as work..), but some of it IS RAD/ODD related. We are looking to transition our oldest over to a mainstream HS within the next year. Possibly as early as Fall on a limited basis. This, of course, brings great stress to all involved in her care. Of course the biggest stress is her lack of active participation in her own care. Nothing can be done without her cooperation, so things tend to move slowly. Unless it's something she wants of course - then watch how fast she moves!
The big concern about the transition (at least for us) is the stress this will put her under. She already doesn't deal well with stress, often resorting to cutting as her way of controlling it. Putting her under the stress of moving to a new school where she won't have all the support, and will be among her peers is going to be heavy. It's hard enough for any teen to move into a new place, with new people, but for one with such issues, both self-esteem and others, it's that much harder. I'm sure she will give us plenty to write about, plenty to discuss, and certainly plenty to worry about. But for now, we're just taking it day by day and enjoying the recent lull in over-the-top behavior.
The big concern about the transition (at least for us) is the stress this will put her under. She already doesn't deal well with stress, often resorting to cutting as her way of controlling it. Putting her under the stress of moving to a new school where she won't have all the support, and will be among her peers is going to be heavy. It's hard enough for any teen to move into a new place, with new people, but for one with such issues, both self-esteem and others, it's that much harder. I'm sure she will give us plenty to write about, plenty to discuss, and certainly plenty to worry about. But for now, we're just taking it day by day and enjoying the recent lull in over-the-top behavior.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Yeah, you so funny...
So yesterday I received another call from the DTC. After being off on Spring Break for a week and then returning to school this week, I'm actually surprised it took until Thursday for something to happen. My daughter doesn't handle change well.
There were a couple of small incidents yesterday that the staff felt were inappropriate. But they were relatively minor things. What wasn't minor was my daughters reaction to them. Every day she gets her "goal sheet", where they give her either a 1 or a 0 based on how well she met her goals for the day. Yesterday she got 2 zeros. We don't make a big deal out of them at home, but in her head it's a HUGE deal.
So anyway, she saw the zeros and flipped out. It began escalating and they attempted to remove her from the classroom so they could speak to her without an audience. So of course she went ballistic. Thankfully, she's not a physically violent person (although she could be - she's no wilting flower) but she told them all she was going to call the police and fill a report that the male teacher touched her inappropriately "and raped her".
For obvious reasons, this didn't go over so well.
But when I got home last night, the wife had been talking to our daughter about her day at school. Of course her story made her out to be the victim in all of that and she conveniently forgot about the allegation that really ramped things up.
Or was it convenience? When I asked her about it, her response was "oh yeah, I forgot about that!"
I think she really DID forget. I know these kids love drama. It's what they're used to. Their lives were so chaotic and dramatic at such a young age, that it's what they find comfort in. It's "safe" because it's what they know. They don't realize what an impact it has on the people around them - and I get that too. They had to focus on their own survival for so long that it's hard for them to empathize with others - after all, how others feel doesn't really have any bearing on their survival (it does, but they don't see it that way - it's them against the world). Even this morning when I brought it up and reminded her she is meeting with the school director and that teacher this morning, she smiled and thought it was funny.
Well it isn't to me!
There were a couple of small incidents yesterday that the staff felt were inappropriate. But they were relatively minor things. What wasn't minor was my daughters reaction to them. Every day she gets her "goal sheet", where they give her either a 1 or a 0 based on how well she met her goals for the day. Yesterday she got 2 zeros. We don't make a big deal out of them at home, but in her head it's a HUGE deal.
So anyway, she saw the zeros and flipped out. It began escalating and they attempted to remove her from the classroom so they could speak to her without an audience. So of course she went ballistic. Thankfully, she's not a physically violent person (although she could be - she's no wilting flower) but she told them all she was going to call the police and fill a report that the male teacher touched her inappropriately "and raped her".
For obvious reasons, this didn't go over so well.
But when I got home last night, the wife had been talking to our daughter about her day at school. Of course her story made her out to be the victim in all of that and she conveniently forgot about the allegation that really ramped things up.
Or was it convenience? When I asked her about it, her response was "oh yeah, I forgot about that!"
I think she really DID forget. I know these kids love drama. It's what they're used to. Their lives were so chaotic and dramatic at such a young age, that it's what they find comfort in. It's "safe" because it's what they know. They don't realize what an impact it has on the people around them - and I get that too. They had to focus on their own survival for so long that it's hard for them to empathize with others - after all, how others feel doesn't really have any bearing on their survival (it does, but they don't see it that way - it's them against the world). Even this morning when I brought it up and reminded her she is meeting with the school director and that teacher this morning, she smiled and thought it was funny.
Well it isn't to me!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Spring Break Confusion
Day two of spring break and something strange is happening. We decided this week would be a good time to give our daughter the freedom to show how responsible she can be. We agreed that she could go hang out at the teen center (my wife would even drive her there) and spend time with her friends. We weren't going to let her take her insulin, but we definitely wanted to work towards that. We figured she would jump at the chance to be free. To be a "regular" teen that can just go hang out and do stuff. She IS 16 after all.
But we were wrong.
For two days now, she has shown no interest in hanging out with her friends, or going anywhere. She actually prefers to hang out with her step mom. Yes, the very step mom she claims doesn't give her any freedom. The evil step mom that is so mean and horrible. The step mom that just a year ago she had detailed plans on how to kill.
They really do get along great when it's just the two of them. They usually do. But I figured she would be all over our offer to let her go prove her independence. After all, she keeps telling us she's ready. So why wouldn't she take advantage of the situation?
Could it be that deep down she doesn't feel she's ready? Or is it a more conscious decision to keep herself out of temptations way? She had applied for a few jobs and was hoping to start working this week, but none of those have panned out. So she hangs out with step mom, helping with the bills and the budget, planning meals, helping with the shopping. All by choice.
I sometimes wonder if I'll EVER understand women!
But we were wrong.
For two days now, she has shown no interest in hanging out with her friends, or going anywhere. She actually prefers to hang out with her step mom. Yes, the very step mom she claims doesn't give her any freedom. The evil step mom that is so mean and horrible. The step mom that just a year ago she had detailed plans on how to kill.
They really do get along great when it's just the two of them. They usually do. But I figured she would be all over our offer to let her go prove her independence. After all, she keeps telling us she's ready. So why wouldn't she take advantage of the situation?
Could it be that deep down she doesn't feel she's ready? Or is it a more conscious decision to keep herself out of temptations way? She had applied for a few jobs and was hoping to start working this week, but none of those have panned out. So she hangs out with step mom, helping with the bills and the budget, planning meals, helping with the shopping. All by choice.
I sometimes wonder if I'll EVER understand women!
Friday, April 6, 2012
Time to Sink or Swim?
Next week is Spring Break. In the past we have always kept our daughter close at hand when she didn't have school. Primarily because if we cut her loose, we'd have to allow her to carry her insulin with her and she doesn't have a good history with that. In fact, her history with that has been to eat a ton of carbs, inject large amounts of insulin, and then not tell us about it so we end up giving her more insulin and then spending all night long stressing on keeping her blood sugars up so she doesn't die. It doesn't make for a fun time, I can tell you that. So her last diabetes doctor agreed with us and we took her insulin away. It has been a year or so now and we still keep the insulin in a lock box at home and school.
But we're in a new place and she has shown signs of healing, so we're thinking perhaps it's time to see what happens.
Of course, this could go either way, and I can't tell you how much I'm stressing over it. I'm pretty sure she's ready to handle the responsibility, but there is a part of me that keeps reminding myself "well, you thought that last time, and the time before, the the time before that...". Times which resulting in CPS investigations and sleepless nights, times which were wrapped in lies and half-truths and resulted in potentially life-or-death situations that required adult intervention to make sure they ended up on the 'life' side of things.
But she's 16.
Going on 12.
We don't ask for perfection. We expect things to be rocky. Really all we ask is that she be honest about things and do her best to manage her blood sugars. She does know how to do it, she has ever since she was little. She chooses not to, and that's what frustrates everybody. More than a few people have told us to "let it go". But had we followed their advice, she would be dead. Literally. So thank you for the advice, but we're going to continue to stress over it until we know she "gets it".
And I'm praying she gets it before next week....
But we're in a new place and she has shown signs of healing, so we're thinking perhaps it's time to see what happens.
Of course, this could go either way, and I can't tell you how much I'm stressing over it. I'm pretty sure she's ready to handle the responsibility, but there is a part of me that keeps reminding myself "well, you thought that last time, and the time before, the the time before that...". Times which resulting in CPS investigations and sleepless nights, times which were wrapped in lies and half-truths and resulted in potentially life-or-death situations that required adult intervention to make sure they ended up on the 'life' side of things.
But she's 16.
Going on 12.
We don't ask for perfection. We expect things to be rocky. Really all we ask is that she be honest about things and do her best to manage her blood sugars. She does know how to do it, she has ever since she was little. She chooses not to, and that's what frustrates everybody. More than a few people have told us to "let it go". But had we followed their advice, she would be dead. Literally. So thank you for the advice, but we're going to continue to stress over it until we know she "gets it".
And I'm praying she gets it before next week....
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Triggers and Chairs...
Lately it seems we have come a long way towards healing. Things are much better than they used to be for sure. But every once in a while I catch a glimpse of things that make me realize there is still a long way to go. The other night was one of those times. It wasn't a big thing, but it really set off alarms in my oldest daughter. On the positive side, she was able to express her discomfort and the fact that it was really hard for her to deal with it. That's huge. It means we really are making progress. But on the other hand, she actually froze up when she found out about it. Literally. Her body froze and she got that frightened/overwhelmed look in her eyes that we are all so familiar with. It was just for a moment, but it was there.
So what was this thing that caused such an intense reaction? We changed where we sit at the dinner table.
Research shows that RAD is very much like PTSD. Like sufferers of PTSD, these children are constantly living in a state of hyper arousal. Any little push can (and does!) send them over the edge. Picture a toy race car track where the cars are speeding around the track as fast as they can. Now put a pebble on the track and watch the car derail. That's pretty much what seems to be happening in these kids' heads when you change things up on them. The trick is to put up a wall to prevent the crash before you toss that pebble on there.
Easier said than done though - I suck at carpentry :) ... but this time my daughter was able to catch herself and help me flip that car back onto the track. It still threw her for a loop, and I don't think we'll be changing seats around again any time soon, but we're getting there... slowly, but we're getting there.
So what was this thing that caused such an intense reaction? We changed where we sit at the dinner table.
Research shows that RAD is very much like PTSD. Like sufferers of PTSD, these children are constantly living in a state of hyper arousal. Any little push can (and does!) send them over the edge. Picture a toy race car track where the cars are speeding around the track as fast as they can. Now put a pebble on the track and watch the car derail. That's pretty much what seems to be happening in these kids' heads when you change things up on them. The trick is to put up a wall to prevent the crash before you toss that pebble on there.
Easier said than done though - I suck at carpentry :) ... but this time my daughter was able to catch herself and help me flip that car back onto the track. It still threw her for a loop, and I don't think we'll be changing seats around again any time soon, but we're getting there... slowly, but we're getting there.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Parenting Zen...?
So yesterday I got *the call* from the Day Treatment Center. "Your daughter has left the school". Of course I called back thinking all sorts of crazy thoughts, not the least of which was "how could you let her just walk out?". Turns out something that was really minor got blown into something huge and she just took advantage of it. And they let her.
Yeah, this is the same DTC that for months didn't see any of her issues and were becoming convinced (and even said) all her problems were home based. Well they don't think that way now. In the past 2 weeks she has started showing them ALL her glory. And maybe it makes me a jerk, but I'm happy about it. It's about time they saw what we see on a regular basis. Ha Ha.
But that isn't the point. After hanging up the phone, I hopped in my car and drove the 30 miles to travel the 6.5 mile path that *I* would have taken home from the DTC.. of course I didn't see her - she took a different route (RADs aren't known for taking the more direct route.. why should they? They don't think linear for the most part). But I had to keep telling myself "she's 16.. she'll be OK. I did much more at that age".
Somehow I managed to keep my cool even after not finding her. It wasn't easy to keep telling myself she'd be ok, but I kept at it. And when she arrived at home, acting like nothing had happened, the wife and I didn't make a big deal out of it. We asked what had happened and then just let it go. If there's one thing we've learned, it's that what happens at school needs to stay at school. We can't make that part of our problem as well - we have enough of those already!
And instead of a raging 16 year old RAD, we had a calm, helpful teenager who seemed to appreciate that we accepted her decision to do what she did, didn't give her excessive grief over it (we DID explain to her that we were worried, that the cops were out looking for her, and a brief 'mini-lecture' about the dangers, blah blah blah), and let it go. The afternoon actually went smoothly, and she was not only Responsible, Respectful and Fun to be Around for the rest of the day, but it went even beyond that. We had a helpful and pleasant teenager. Now how often does THAT happen? Plus, we didn't spend our evening all pi**ed off over something we can't control. We didn't waste our energy fighting or lecturing or anything like that... just let it go..
let it go...
Yeah, this is the same DTC that for months didn't see any of her issues and were becoming convinced (and even said) all her problems were home based. Well they don't think that way now. In the past 2 weeks she has started showing them ALL her glory. And maybe it makes me a jerk, but I'm happy about it. It's about time they saw what we see on a regular basis. Ha Ha.
But that isn't the point. After hanging up the phone, I hopped in my car and drove the 30 miles to travel the 6.5 mile path that *I* would have taken home from the DTC.. of course I didn't see her - she took a different route (RADs aren't known for taking the more direct route.. why should they? They don't think linear for the most part). But I had to keep telling myself "she's 16.. she'll be OK. I did much more at that age".
Somehow I managed to keep my cool even after not finding her. It wasn't easy to keep telling myself she'd be ok, but I kept at it. And when she arrived at home, acting like nothing had happened, the wife and I didn't make a big deal out of it. We asked what had happened and then just let it go. If there's one thing we've learned, it's that what happens at school needs to stay at school. We can't make that part of our problem as well - we have enough of those already!
And instead of a raging 16 year old RAD, we had a calm, helpful teenager who seemed to appreciate that we accepted her decision to do what she did, didn't give her excessive grief over it (we DID explain to her that we were worried, that the cops were out looking for her, and a brief 'mini-lecture' about the dangers, blah blah blah), and let it go. The afternoon actually went smoothly, and she was not only Responsible, Respectful and Fun to be Around for the rest of the day, but it went even beyond that. We had a helpful and pleasant teenager. Now how often does THAT happen? Plus, we didn't spend our evening all pi**ed off over something we can't control. We didn't waste our energy fighting or lecturing or anything like that... just let it go..
let it go...
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