So yesterday I got *the call* from the Day Treatment Center. "Your daughter has left the school". Of course I called back thinking all sorts of crazy thoughts, not the least of which was "how could you let her just walk out?". Turns out something that was really minor got blown into something huge and she just took advantage of it. And they let her.
Yeah, this is the same DTC that for months didn't see any of her issues and were becoming convinced (and even said) all her problems were home based. Well they don't think that way now. In the past 2 weeks she has started showing them ALL her glory. And maybe it makes me a jerk, but I'm happy about it. It's about time they saw what we see on a regular basis. Ha Ha.
But that isn't the point. After hanging up the phone, I hopped in my car and drove the 30 miles to travel the 6.5 mile path that *I* would have taken home from the DTC.. of course I didn't see her - she took a different route (RADs aren't known for taking the more direct route.. why should they? They don't think linear for the most part). But I had to keep telling myself "she's 16.. she'll be OK. I did much more at that age".
Somehow I managed to keep my cool even after not finding her. It wasn't easy to keep telling myself she'd be ok, but I kept at it. And when she arrived at home, acting like nothing had happened, the wife and I didn't make a big deal out of it. We asked what had happened and then just let it go. If there's one thing we've learned, it's that what happens at school needs to stay at school. We can't make that part of our problem as well - we have enough of those already!
And instead of a raging 16 year old RAD, we had a calm, helpful teenager who seemed to appreciate that we accepted her decision to do what she did, didn't give her excessive grief over it (we DID explain to her that we were worried, that the cops were out looking for her, and a brief 'mini-lecture' about the dangers, blah blah blah), and let it go. The afternoon actually went smoothly, and she was not only Responsible, Respectful and Fun to be Around for the rest of the day, but it went even beyond that. We had a helpful and pleasant teenager. Now how often does THAT happen? Plus, we didn't spend our evening all pi**ed off over something we can't control. We didn't waste our energy fighting or lecturing or anything like that... just let it go..
let it go...
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Kicking myself
When my daugherd was 15 I finally got her assessed for her mental issues and the school district quickly put her into a DTC where she has been healing for the past year (on her second DTC but only because we moved). The difference between today and a year ago is huge. She's not anywhere close to "healed", but definitely "healing".
When she was 8 she was diagnosed with a "minor case" of RAD.. at the time I had no idea what that meant and thought, like so many people did, that she just needed more love and attention. The therapist made it sound like it was no big deal so I didn't put a lot of thought into it.
Ever since I started really understanding what it meant (and started getting her the proper treatment), I've been kicking myself for not doing it sooner...
When she was 5 she was in full meltdown mode and managed to triangulate my wife and I to the point where we separated for a couple of years. Yesterday, when I was going through a box in the garage I found a letter I had never seen. It apparently had been sent 1 week before our separation and was a request from my daughters school to do a mental health evaluation on her. The very same evaluation I forced them to do 10 years later...
Had I only seen that letter then, and knew what it meant, things could have been much different! We would have been 11 years into healing instead of 1. We could have stopped the inadvertent reinforcement of the very behaviors we were trying to prevent. Life could have been so much different for all of us.
I wish I had seen that letter. I wish they had contacted the new school district about it. I wish the therapist who diagnosed her had made more of a big deal about it. I'm glad I did something about it when I did though. I'm glad my wife and I figured it out - together. I'm glad my daughter is healing (better late then never). In fact, I'm glad for so many things I just don't have time to be thinking about the 'what-ifs'. Instead of sitting there thinking "what if such and such was different", I think instead I will just hug my kids...
When she was 8 she was diagnosed with a "minor case" of RAD.. at the time I had no idea what that meant and thought, like so many people did, that she just needed more love and attention. The therapist made it sound like it was no big deal so I didn't put a lot of thought into it.
Ever since I started really understanding what it meant (and started getting her the proper treatment), I've been kicking myself for not doing it sooner...
When she was 5 she was in full meltdown mode and managed to triangulate my wife and I to the point where we separated for a couple of years. Yesterday, when I was going through a box in the garage I found a letter I had never seen. It apparently had been sent 1 week before our separation and was a request from my daughters school to do a mental health evaluation on her. The very same evaluation I forced them to do 10 years later...
Had I only seen that letter then, and knew what it meant, things could have been much different! We would have been 11 years into healing instead of 1. We could have stopped the inadvertent reinforcement of the very behaviors we were trying to prevent. Life could have been so much different for all of us.
I wish I had seen that letter. I wish they had contacted the new school district about it. I wish the therapist who diagnosed her had made more of a big deal about it. I'm glad I did something about it when I did though. I'm glad my wife and I figured it out - together. I'm glad my daughter is healing (better late then never). In fact, I'm glad for so many things I just don't have time to be thinking about the 'what-ifs'. Instead of sitting there thinking "what if such and such was different", I think instead I will just hug my kids...
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
An ally in healing... for better or worse.
As a child, I remember thinking my parents could never possibly understand me. How could they? They were old, I was young.. they had always been old and I had always been young (at least in my world), and on the off chance they HAD actually been young once, well that was soooo long ago that it bared no resemblance to how things were for me.
So it's no doubt that my children think the same. After all.. it HAS been "forever" since I was a teenager. Certainly longer than I care to admit. But that doesn't change some things. The thing is, I know better than most people how my daughter feels - even though she doesn't (want to) believe it. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, attachment issues (although in those older than 18 it's called "borderline personality disorder") - like her, those are all diagnoses that have been made for me, and like hers, they were all related to childhood trauma. I know what it's like to sit in darkness and wonder if anything is really worth it. I know what it's like to live in a heightened state of being, on alert for any danger that is coming at any second. I know what it's like to live inside an emotional bubble that prevents anybody from "getting in". I really do. I "get it".
Some might say it's a blessing. To be able to know at least something of what your child is going through helps you relate to them on their level. It gives me more patience and I'm able to come from a place of better understanding. I can see the pain in her eyes and remember what it feels like, how it hurts. It creates an emotional and mental bond between us like nothing else.
On the other hand, it's a curse. To truly know what she's going through and remember what it's like is very very difficult. It's hard to watch your child in pain, and even more so when it's such deep, intense emotional pain that you can relate to. That you can remember being the worst of the worst. Knowing how badly she's hurting inside and there's nothing you can do to ease that. It's one of the worst possible things about being a parent - the helplessness when your child is hurting.
Then on yet another hand (no really, I have three hands... count em!), I used to be where she is but today I'm not. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't quick, but I don't think any therapist or social worker or psychiatrist would label me depressed, or anxious, and certainly no longer suffering from borderline personality disorder. I've come a long way and worked hard to "rejoin" the human race so to speak. Where I was once closed off I can now let light in. Where I once just wanted to sit in the dark, I now welcome the sunrise. Where I used to just "not care", I can love. I can really smile. I can honestly laugh. I can hug without flinching (well, mostly anyway). I beat the darkness.
And that gives me hope for her. She's stronger than I was. She has an ally in healing (me!). Together we can beat this. But she has to let me help her. She has to be willing to do the work. She has to want it.
It won't be easy. It won't be quick. There will be a lot of heartache, and she has a long, painful, personal journey ahead of her. And that makes me sad. I know how hard it will be and she doesn't deserve that. I wish I could make it easy for her. I wish I could wave a magic wand and have her heal overnight. But I can't. None of us can. All we can do is be there for them, no matter what journey they embark on.
So it's no doubt that my children think the same. After all.. it HAS been "forever" since I was a teenager. Certainly longer than I care to admit. But that doesn't change some things. The thing is, I know better than most people how my daughter feels - even though she doesn't (want to) believe it. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, attachment issues (although in those older than 18 it's called "borderline personality disorder") - like her, those are all diagnoses that have been made for me, and like hers, they were all related to childhood trauma. I know what it's like to sit in darkness and wonder if anything is really worth it. I know what it's like to live in a heightened state of being, on alert for any danger that is coming at any second. I know what it's like to live inside an emotional bubble that prevents anybody from "getting in". I really do. I "get it".
Some might say it's a blessing. To be able to know at least something of what your child is going through helps you relate to them on their level. It gives me more patience and I'm able to come from a place of better understanding. I can see the pain in her eyes and remember what it feels like, how it hurts. It creates an emotional and mental bond between us like nothing else.
On the other hand, it's a curse. To truly know what she's going through and remember what it's like is very very difficult. It's hard to watch your child in pain, and even more so when it's such deep, intense emotional pain that you can relate to. That you can remember being the worst of the worst. Knowing how badly she's hurting inside and there's nothing you can do to ease that. It's one of the worst possible things about being a parent - the helplessness when your child is hurting.
Then on yet another hand (no really, I have three hands... count em!), I used to be where she is but today I'm not. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't quick, but I don't think any therapist or social worker or psychiatrist would label me depressed, or anxious, and certainly no longer suffering from borderline personality disorder. I've come a long way and worked hard to "rejoin" the human race so to speak. Where I was once closed off I can now let light in. Where I once just wanted to sit in the dark, I now welcome the sunrise. Where I used to just "not care", I can love. I can really smile. I can honestly laugh. I can hug without flinching (well, mostly anyway). I beat the darkness.
And that gives me hope for her. She's stronger than I was. She has an ally in healing (me!). Together we can beat this. But she has to let me help her. She has to be willing to do the work. She has to want it.
It won't be easy. It won't be quick. There will be a lot of heartache, and she has a long, painful, personal journey ahead of her. And that makes me sad. I know how hard it will be and she doesn't deserve that. I wish I could make it easy for her. I wish I could wave a magic wand and have her heal overnight. But I can't. None of us can. All we can do is be there for them, no matter what journey they embark on.
New therapists... can we all get on the same page?
Two down, one to go. Doctors that is. Yesterday was the diabetes doctor for my oldest, then at night a new therapist for the youngest. She just might work - I like some of her ideas, and the fact that she has Been There, Done That as far as raising a RAD doesn't hurt either. She has seen first hand how chaotic it can be and how it can affect everybody around them. I like that about her. She did seem almost more interested in the older daughter though, which isn't a good sign. Granted, it's the whole dynamic that needs work, not just one person, but this is supposed to be about the younger and her anger issues. I can't disagree though that some of those issues are directly related to the behavior of the oldest.
So the wife and I spent 90 minutes just scratching the surface of things. It's going to be more money we don't really have, but we can't let her anger and bitterness continue to fester and we've done everything we can think of to help her and we aren't getting very far.
This morning though, well... I'm not looking forward to it. More time spent with Mr Smarmy and his buddy who think they know everything about how to help my daughter even though they know nothing about diabetes and are only focused on the one aspect of her. Her diabetes doctor has said he's going to pull her out of there if they don't start focusing on her emotional and eating issues. He's concerned that her complexity is just too much for their "strength based program" (as they like to brag about it) and they just aren't going to make enough progress letting her "lead the way". I mentioned that in passing to them yesterday morning when I scheduled the appointment with them (I can't believe it either - we had an appointment with them before the Christmas break, I requested to meet with them a second time while on break and they asked me if such and such a date/time would work, I said no but these times would.. never heard back from them until I chased them down at the school yesterday) - that we were wondering if this school was therapeutic enough for her. They, of course, were shocked that I would say something like that. But I really don't know if it's the right fit - I guess we'll know soon enough.
Speaking of soon enough.. time to get the girls up and begin the day!
So the wife and I spent 90 minutes just scratching the surface of things. It's going to be more money we don't really have, but we can't let her anger and bitterness continue to fester and we've done everything we can think of to help her and we aren't getting very far.
This morning though, well... I'm not looking forward to it. More time spent with Mr Smarmy and his buddy who think they know everything about how to help my daughter even though they know nothing about diabetes and are only focused on the one aspect of her. Her diabetes doctor has said he's going to pull her out of there if they don't start focusing on her emotional and eating issues. He's concerned that her complexity is just too much for their "strength based program" (as they like to brag about it) and they just aren't going to make enough progress letting her "lead the way". I mentioned that in passing to them yesterday morning when I scheduled the appointment with them (I can't believe it either - we had an appointment with them before the Christmas break, I requested to meet with them a second time while on break and they asked me if such and such a date/time would work, I said no but these times would.. never heard back from them until I chased them down at the school yesterday) - that we were wondering if this school was therapeutic enough for her. They, of course, were shocked that I would say something like that. But I really don't know if it's the right fit - I guess we'll know soon enough.
Speaking of soon enough.. time to get the girls up and begin the day!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Things keep on moving...
So we recently moved, and things have been going smoother for the most part. Sure, there have been meltdowns and the occasional blow-up, but for the most part my oldest daughter has come a long way. But that isn't to say things have been perfect.. not by a long shot. Recently she just went through yet ANOTHER period where we couldn't bring her blood sugars up. This was the third time this has happened in the past 2 months. Having her insulin stored in a locked box isn't enough. Before we moved, we had to keep that locked box in a locked room and never EVER let the keys out of our sight.
It's not easy being the parent of a child with RAD. She *knows* what will happen if she gets too much insulin. She *knows* why we keep it locked up and away from her. She *knows* we do everything we can to help keep herself safe and healthy. But none of that matters when the need for control hits. S/He who controls the insulin, controls the world! (and we all know RAD is about control).
But.. this wasn't meant to be an insulin control post. No... rather the reaction I got yesterday at work. The wife had called and, yet again, had found a syringe in a place where none should have been. This was the day after we had 12 hours of unexplained low blood sugars. So we decided to move ahead with something we had talked about since we got here. We can't install locks on these doors, so I went to Home Depot and picked up some door alarms. Co-worker saw them and asked about them so I told him - they are for my daughters door since we can't lock her in.
I forget not everybody lives in RADLand...
As soon as I saw the look on his face when I said that I though "oh shit" to myself... I knew I was going to have to explain just *why* I felt the need to lock my 16 year old daughter up at night, why she doesn't just do the things she knows will keep her healthy and safe. Why why why... I get so tired of explaining - sometimes it's just easier to have people think we're horrible, evil, controlling parents.. that yes, we became parents just so we'd be able to satisfy our sadistic desires to lock up our children, starve them, and never EVER allow them to have any fun.
RAD is so complex, there are so many levels to it, that it's almost impossible to explain in just a few minutes. At least not without leaving lots and lots of questions. I tried to give a quick explanation to this guy and he just didn't get it. Much like the last guy who didn't get why my daughter would mess with her insulin/blood sugars - after all, doesn't she understand? Didn't we explain it to her?
HAH! If parenting a RAD was so easy, there wouldn't be blog after blog after support group after website dedicated to it. Reminds me of the family therapist we were seeing a few years ago when we were losing our minds trying to figure out wtf was going on with our children... "well, can't you just ASK them to do <insert whatever here>?".. hahahaha... yes, we ask and they comply .. we explain and they understand (actually, they really DO understand - they are smart girls - but understanding does not equal compliance!).
The scary thing is I see the younger daughter moving down that same path, only with more anger issues. Now that I'm finally getting a grasp on RAD, it's time to deal with ODD - and that's not going to be easy. Thankfully I've found a great therapist for her, one who has raised two RAD / ODD children of her own so she has that "been there, done that" quality - will save a lot of time and frustration. The good thing is, the younger one actually WANTS to go... but she seems to think she's going to be able to convince the therapists that she needs our dog to be her "emotional support" service dog and get to take her everywhere... I can just see where this is headed....
It's not easy being the parent of a child with RAD. She *knows* what will happen if she gets too much insulin. She *knows* why we keep it locked up and away from her. She *knows* we do everything we can to help keep herself safe and healthy. But none of that matters when the need for control hits. S/He who controls the insulin, controls the world! (and we all know RAD is about control).
But.. this wasn't meant to be an insulin control post. No... rather the reaction I got yesterday at work. The wife had called and, yet again, had found a syringe in a place where none should have been. This was the day after we had 12 hours of unexplained low blood sugars. So we decided to move ahead with something we had talked about since we got here. We can't install locks on these doors, so I went to Home Depot and picked up some door alarms. Co-worker saw them and asked about them so I told him - they are for my daughters door since we can't lock her in.
I forget not everybody lives in RADLand...
As soon as I saw the look on his face when I said that I though "oh shit" to myself... I knew I was going to have to explain just *why* I felt the need to lock my 16 year old daughter up at night, why she doesn't just do the things she knows will keep her healthy and safe. Why why why... I get so tired of explaining - sometimes it's just easier to have people think we're horrible, evil, controlling parents.. that yes, we became parents just so we'd be able to satisfy our sadistic desires to lock up our children, starve them, and never EVER allow them to have any fun.
RAD is so complex, there are so many levels to it, that it's almost impossible to explain in just a few minutes. At least not without leaving lots and lots of questions. I tried to give a quick explanation to this guy and he just didn't get it. Much like the last guy who didn't get why my daughter would mess with her insulin/blood sugars - after all, doesn't she understand? Didn't we explain it to her?
HAH! If parenting a RAD was so easy, there wouldn't be blog after blog after support group after website dedicated to it. Reminds me of the family therapist we were seeing a few years ago when we were losing our minds trying to figure out wtf was going on with our children... "well, can't you just ASK them to do <insert whatever here>?".. hahahaha... yes, we ask and they comply .. we explain and they understand (actually, they really DO understand - they are smart girls - but understanding does not equal compliance!).
The scary thing is I see the younger daughter moving down that same path, only with more anger issues. Now that I'm finally getting a grasp on RAD, it's time to deal with ODD - and that's not going to be easy. Thankfully I've found a great therapist for her, one who has raised two RAD / ODD children of her own so she has that "been there, done that" quality - will save a lot of time and frustration. The good thing is, the younger one actually WANTS to go... but she seems to think she's going to be able to convince the therapists that she needs our dog to be her "emotional support" service dog and get to take her everywhere... I can just see where this is headed....
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Christmas healing
Well it's Christmas morning, and the weeks leading up to it have been probably the most calm that I can remember. It's not unusual for parents of RAD children to hate the holidays. Most other parents that I've spoken with truly dread Christmastime. It's a time when these children can create the most havoc, cause the most uproar and the most hurt. When a child doesn't feel worthy of being loved, Christmas seems to really freak them out. Whether it's because some of them learned to associate gifts with "bad things" happening, or they just don't believe somebody can actually show them love and giving without an ulterior motive, or any number of possible trauma related scenarios, children with RAD have a habit of ruining Christmas.
Not so this year for us. We actually had minimal problems this year (compared to past years) - although the kids didn't really go out of their way to express any "Christmas cheer" or helpfulness, neither did they go out of their way to ruin things for us just so they could make things go their way. Perhaps it's because they get it that we just moved and don't have a ton of money for presents... perhaps they're just older and are learning to appreciate what they have (ok, that's hard to say with a straight face)... Whatever the reason, I like to think it's all part of the bigger picture I've seen lately with them healing. In general, we haven't had as many issues lately (that's not to say we haven't had LOTS, we have... just not "as many"), and although the big ones are still just as horrific, there just seems to be fewer smaller ones..
If all I get for Christmas is some healing for my children, that's all the gift I need.... Hope your Christmas is as wonderful as ours!
Not so this year for us. We actually had minimal problems this year (compared to past years) - although the kids didn't really go out of their way to express any "Christmas cheer" or helpfulness, neither did they go out of their way to ruin things for us just so they could make things go their way. Perhaps it's because they get it that we just moved and don't have a ton of money for presents... perhaps they're just older and are learning to appreciate what they have (ok, that's hard to say with a straight face)... Whatever the reason, I like to think it's all part of the bigger picture I've seen lately with them healing. In general, we haven't had as many issues lately (that's not to say we haven't had LOTS, we have... just not "as many"), and although the big ones are still just as horrific, there just seems to be fewer smaller ones..
If all I get for Christmas is some healing for my children, that's all the gift I need.... Hope your Christmas is as wonderful as ours!
Monday, December 19, 2011
CRI'd counselors
Sometimes we're blessed and run into people that truly "get it". It's those people that make our daily routine easier, or just easier in general - especially when things get rough. I know when I run into those people I try to really appreciate them and their presence, because they don't come along often. The counselors at my daughters DTC are NOT those people.
They started off ok, saying things like "you're the experts on your daughter" and stuff like that, but I knew when we heard "we really don't know anything about diabetes but..." that it was going to be all down hill from there. Sure, their advice would work if we didn't have that particular issue in the mix - it certainly complicates things. But these guys are of the "know it all" variety and think they are Gods gifts to troubled children. Sure, if we weren't dealing with the diabetes we COULD let our daughter experience natural consequences, but we are so we can't. And yes, we do know that she uses her diabetes as a control game and that 90% of our meetings involve discussions about the diabetes, but it's our job as parents to keep her safe.
It wouldn't be so bad if these two weren't so damn smug about it. They really irk me for that reason. When I pointed out that for the past 5 years or so we have had CPS and the doctors jumping down our necks demanding that we do "anything you have to do to keep her safe, no matter what", this advice of "you need to let her do her thing and experience the consequences now while she's still young" just doesn't fly. I'm sorry, but we know *exactly* what happens when we "let her do her thing", and it invariably involves dangerously high or low blood sugars - to the point where she's on the brink of death at times.
And the worst part is, this guy is so smug he actually believes he can get all of "the agencies" together, in one room, to agree on his approach... uhh yeah, I'll believe it when I see it. If he can get CPS to agree that it's ok for us to allow our daughter to lapse into a coma, and the doctors to agree that the organ damage done as a result of consistently high blood sugars is really not such a bad thing after all, then perhaps we'll be a little more receptive to his approach. But until he manages to do that he is going to see us, as many of them do, simply as hostile, uncooperative parents.
He's not the one who spends night after night of little sleep because of the fear that his daughters blood sugars won't come up. He's not the one facing the prospect of having his daughter go blind at a young age due to diabetic complications. It's not his issue if she has a heart attack at age 25 or loses a foot at age 30 - he'll be done with her by then. But we won't. We won't ever stop worrying or caring for her, and letting her "experience natural consequences" now only means those other "natural consequences" are likely to happen sooner.
But, like he said - they don't understand diabetes. Well Mr Counselor guys - you're about to get an education!
They started off ok, saying things like "you're the experts on your daughter" and stuff like that, but I knew when we heard "we really don't know anything about diabetes but..." that it was going to be all down hill from there. Sure, their advice would work if we didn't have that particular issue in the mix - it certainly complicates things. But these guys are of the "know it all" variety and think they are Gods gifts to troubled children. Sure, if we weren't dealing with the diabetes we COULD let our daughter experience natural consequences, but we are so we can't. And yes, we do know that she uses her diabetes as a control game and that 90% of our meetings involve discussions about the diabetes, but it's our job as parents to keep her safe.
It wouldn't be so bad if these two weren't so damn smug about it. They really irk me for that reason. When I pointed out that for the past 5 years or so we have had CPS and the doctors jumping down our necks demanding that we do "anything you have to do to keep her safe, no matter what", this advice of "you need to let her do her thing and experience the consequences now while she's still young" just doesn't fly. I'm sorry, but we know *exactly* what happens when we "let her do her thing", and it invariably involves dangerously high or low blood sugars - to the point where she's on the brink of death at times.
And the worst part is, this guy is so smug he actually believes he can get all of "the agencies" together, in one room, to agree on his approach... uhh yeah, I'll believe it when I see it. If he can get CPS to agree that it's ok for us to allow our daughter to lapse into a coma, and the doctors to agree that the organ damage done as a result of consistently high blood sugars is really not such a bad thing after all, then perhaps we'll be a little more receptive to his approach. But until he manages to do that he is going to see us, as many of them do, simply as hostile, uncooperative parents.
He's not the one who spends night after night of little sleep because of the fear that his daughters blood sugars won't come up. He's not the one facing the prospect of having his daughter go blind at a young age due to diabetic complications. It's not his issue if she has a heart attack at age 25 or loses a foot at age 30 - he'll be done with her by then. But we won't. We won't ever stop worrying or caring for her, and letting her "experience natural consequences" now only means those other "natural consequences" are likely to happen sooner.
But, like he said - they don't understand diabetes. Well Mr Counselor guys - you're about to get an education!
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