Pride

So many topics to write about. There is so much to learn, so much to read, so much to DO that sometimes I wish there were more than 24 hours in the day. I have so immersed myself into learning all I can about Attachment issues that I can barely keep up with it all. But that's not what I want to talk about today. Today I want to talk about pride. Not the "I'm hella proud of myself for (insert whatever here)", but the beaming pride only those exposed to children can understand. My girls have gone through so much, and they certainly have their problems, but when I look at them (especially when they are sleeping) I am truly and honestly proud of who they are becoming. Certainly I don't feel this way all the time. I get angry with them, I get frustrated, I even just get plain sick and tired of dealing with them and the problems they create, but all that melts away when I look at them sleeping peacefully.

Yesterday RAD had her first day at her summer camp. It's a special camp run by the Seneca Center of San Francisco that caters to children with mental health issues. It's free (yay!) and somewhat exclusive - not all of the children referred are accepted, and that referral has to come from a case worker at one of several centers around the city. But she got in and although she will miss the third week due to her trip to grandmas, she will be there for 2 weeks. Of course, whenever there is something like this I figuratively hold my breath the entire time she's gone. Since she is a type 1 diabetic, anything could happen, and that anything could have fatal results. Not that it has yet (duh, or I wouldn't be writing this in the present tense), but the potential is there, and she DOES have a history of using her diabetes to control situations. Needless to say, diabetes + RAD is not one of the more comforting combinations I can think of.

Regardless, she returned home last night and although her glucose levels weren't good, she managed to catch it and fix them by the time she got home. PLUS, she had a great time! Of course, she can always keep things up for a day or two... it's typically day #3 where things fall apart, but I'll happily take two days of responsible behavior! Today however, is a whole 'nother story... they're heading to Great America (an amusement park about 50 miles away) and again, her history is to "forget" to manage her diabetes when she's having fun, but she did ok last time she went so I'm hoping for a repeat performance.

Then there is ODD... she had a great day yesterday as well! She totally lived up to my benchmark of "Responsible, Respectful, and Fun To Be Around" (RRFTBA). She is another one who looks so peaceful and untroubled when she's sleeping (can't say as much when she's busy screaming throughout the house in one of her rages). She's very excited about her upcoming solo trip to Seattle to see her aunt and new cousin, but things like this usually set her off and for some reason it hasn't yet.

So this morning I got to start my day looking at my two beautiful daughters with a heart full of pride and love. I wish every parent could start their day this way and have it stick with them throughout all the ups and downs... I think we, as parents, would be far better off for it.

(Of course, you need to go look at your own kids - please don't let me catch you in my kids bedrooms while they're sleeping!!)

My dog... Rad or RAD ?

So I wanted to write something a little more serious today, but this morning when I was outside with my dogs (if I don't take em out first thing they leave little presents for us by the door) I watched one of them pooping. Most dogs squat and poop.. but not him. He squats, poops, moves a few inches, poops again, moves again and... well, you get the idea. So I find myself following him around with a bag picking up his little deposits all over the place. That's when it dawned on me... it's a very RAD-like trait.


The dog... RAD or just a dog?


In the online Attachment Disorder Support group I belong to, we share tips and tricks as well as stories about our children - both the failures and the successes. It's a great group of people, and one of the constant "themes" is that RADs are masters at creating chaos one minute, then turning around and behaving like nothing ever happened. They aren't *pretending* that nothing happened, it just seems that in their minds, nothing really DID happen.

When childrens brains develop, they "learn" from repetitive patterns of activity, good or bad. When a child doesn't get those repetitive patterns (as in the case of neglect), those parts of the brain don't develop. When a baby cries and the mother (or father) tends to it, it learns to associate people with pleasure and creates a foundation for future relationships. Without that association, without somebody tending to the babys needs, it learns that others can't be counted on and begins to look to itself for pleasure and satisfaction (Don't even get me started on how physical abuse damages the brain). Without this association of people = pleasure, the child doesn't care about how others feel towards it. After all, why should they? They don't base their self-worth on you. Praise? Yeah, whatever. Mad at me? Oh well. So it's no surprise that they can become a whirlwind of chaos one minute and then the epitome of serenity the next. Just like my dog. Poop, poop, poop, belly rub!!

Cleaning with RADs

I think one of the best things about Mondays is all the material my children give me to write about over the weekend. I count no less than 8 new topics that they gave me just in the past 2 days(not counting the others that popped into my head at random times). But I'm sure that's not necessarily a RAD/ODD thing, just a wonderful child thing. After all, if our children didn't amuse us so much, we might just get rid of them. Or not. Either way, they thankfully provide countless hours of entertainment.

Let's take cleaning for example. On Friday the girls had a few simple jobs. Straighten up the dining room and living room, then sweep and vacuum both, followed by cleaning of the bathrooms. We didn't even ask them to clean the grout or anything, just a swish and swipe kind of thing.



Perhaps it's just me, but somehow I wouldn't call that "straightened up", although it looks like they may have possibly swept. But I was always under the impression that "clean" doesn't include dirty dishes on the table? Maybe it's just me. So let's just assume for a moment that for whatever reason, 3 hours wasn't enough time to get everything done and wander into the living room... ???



Uhhhh yeah. Hey I know.. let's push all the chairs together, knock over a few things, and call it clean!! Yay!

And the bathroom? I will spare you pictures of my toilet. Needless to say it was a little better (not much to knock over in there, and I don't think they eat in there so no dirty dishes). But... since there appears to be an obvious need for remedial cleaning skills, we spent all day Sunday doing just that. It took 3 or 4 times of sending them back (although it seemed like it was never ending) to get the jobs done right, but now we have really sparkly clean bathrooms (even the grout is done!), clean bedrooms (swept, mopped and vacuumed), dining room and living room are inhabitable once again, and the kitchen... well.. it's always a work in progress (I'm sure those of you with kids can understand how difficult it can be to ALWAYS have a sparkly kitchen). But the inside of the fridge got bleached and the laundry got done. But what should have taken a couple of hours somehow managed to take closer to 11... and do you think they will have "gotten it" by having to do it over and over and over until it was done right? I guess we'll see.... But given the way the RAD brain works (I think I've covered "steel wool thinking" in a previous post?), and the fact that this is only the hundredth time we've done this, I'm going to give it a resounding "NO". But I'm always happy and willing to be pleasantly surprised :)

So how do your kids clean? Do they actually get it right the first time around? Do you give them lists? Zones? Share your tips!

Step-Parents and RADs....

Let me start by saying I think step-parents have a difficult job to begin with. It doesn't matter how old the child is when the step-parent enters their life, there is always that underlying "you're not my mommy/daddy". I was one at one time, and I remember that chasm always being there (I have recently been in touch with my former step-daughter and am pleased to report she has grown into a fine young woman and is pretty awesome in her own right). Being the step-parent to a RAD brings it's own challenges.

I remember the first time my wife of 12 years met my RAD. She was 3 years old then (my daughter, not my wife!) and she hid behind my leg when I introduced them. I thought it was cute at the time, but it seems to have been an indicator of things to come. My wife has always been great with kids. She works with them and has always been able to reach them on their level, especially the younger ones. Not so with my RAD. RAD wanted nothing to do with her. It wasn't so much that she wasn't her mommy, but I now know it was more of a fear of getting close. After all, when one mommy ignores and neglects you before abandoning you (it didn't really happen quite like that, but in her head it did), why would you want another one? Why set yourself up for MORE pain? So their relationship was rocky from the start. When I would go to work, my wife would read to her, sing to her and try to play games with her, but all RAD wanted to do was go to pre-school. She didn't want the closeness.

I can't imagine how hard that must be for a person. I, at least, have some attachment with my RAD since I've been there for her since day 1 (well, ok.. since day 90 something since I was in the Navy and across the country for the first 3 months of her life), but no matter how hard my wife has tried, RAD has never let her in. Oh there are moments, glimpses if you will, of caring and a desire to be close expressed by RAD, but nothing that ever seems to stick. Yet my wife has stuck it out for over 13 years - never giving up, never giving in. But their relationship is strained. Wife feels rejected (which sucks even for non-RADs) and RAD takes that as "well I must not be good enough for you to keep trying", not really seeing that after 13 years of rejection, ANY person would have trouble giving it 100% all the time. But she does her best and I love her for it.

So if you're a step-parent, give your son or daughter a hug today. Keep trying - these kids really DO want to be loved (ALL kids, not just RADs), and there is no greater gift you can give them. You can teach them about sex, you can teach them how to drive, but when it all comes down to it in the end, what they will remember is the love you gave them.

So go and give your child a hug. Today.

Spinning in Circles

Last night I was in the kitchen cooking and I had everything under control. Until I didn't. I don't remember what the catalyst was, but suddenly I was literally spinning in circles and couldn't figure out what to do next. Everything had been going so smoothly and suddenly the salad was only half made, the meat was drying out, the vegetables were boiling over and I hadn't gotten the drinks together. The simple and most effective thing to do would be to turn off the stove (meat and veggies), pour the milk, and finish the salad. An easily accomplished to-do list. But I couldn't think. I felt like I had to do it all RIGHT NOW and couldn't figure out what to tackle first. I knew what needed to be done, I was just frozen (well, except for the spinning in circles thing).

Funny? Yeah, now. To me. But this is a common occurrence for RAD kids. They (well mine anyway) don't adapt well to change at all. An unexpected change in plans can send them into a mental spiral that they can't seem to easily stop. For me, I was able to stop, take a deep breath, and gather myself to complete dinner. For a RAD, there is no stopping - at least not easily. Many RADs suffered abuse (thankfully not mine), neglect and/or abandonment at a young age, and this was imprinted on their brain at a very low level. It is this part of their brain that takes over when they get overwhelmed, and while I was spinning from a minor fear of "what do I do now?", the fear that drives these kids is far deeper and more sinister than a burned meal. If you've ever been in a car accident, think about that split second right before impact. Were you able to calm yourself? Do you think you could have rationalized your fear away? Neither can these kids. They never learned how. And telling them to "relax" is like the driver of your car telling you "don't worry, you won't be hurt" - you're still going to flinch (or worse) on impact.

These are the times when our children need to be taken back to their youngest years and comforted as if they were that age again. It's the only way to help build those brain connections that are missing. This is when you just have to grab your child and hold them tight. It doesn't matter how big or how old they are, when they are in that state they are as young as they were when the 'bad things' happened to them.

I've gotten strange looks, and even stranger comments ("you should stop coddling that grown child!") when I have felt the need to grab and hold my teenager. It doesn't happen often, but you can literally feel them soften up when you do. My pre-teen? Not so much. Oh she needs it, but she'll fight it at first. And THAT gets horrified looks from people if we're out in public. People see me grabbing and holding a big girl while she's freaking out and they automatically assume I'm the cause of the crisis, when it's nothing like what they are imagining.

Those of you with RADs know what I'm talking about. Those of you without, perhaps you'll remember this post next time you see something 'odd' going on between a child and parent.

Preemptive Strike

With most RADs, unstructured time is quite possibly the biggest threat to a caretakers sanity, and Summer always presents a huge challenge. So with my RADs Day Treatment Center out for the Summer, we have had to create structure for 4 weeks. Not an easy task unless you have a ton of money you can throw around, which we don't. So we got her into a summer camp for kids with mental health issues, but even with that there is a full week of nothing. So we're sending her to the Boys and Girls club and crossing our fingers. Of course, having ones fingers crossed doesn't really stop the RAD from creating chaos and havoc anywhere she can, so we have to try and stay 2 steps ahead at all costs.

Enter CPS. I have always had a dislike for their agency. The caseworkers I met seemed to always view us parents as the problem, and totally believed RADs stories (she's NOT being "tortured" at home folks!!) but after 8 referrals in 4 years or so, we have finally gotten a decent caseworker who I really like. She took the time to look past the reports and get to know us and the RAD through interviews with us, RADs doctors, nurses and caseworkers in addition to the people at the Day Treatment Center. And the best part? She knows about RAD!! She actually "gets it".

So, running under the assumption that the staff at the Boys and Girls club are mandated reporters, I contacted our CPS caseworker to let her know RAD will be starting there. She was going to close our case but we decided to keep it open - not because there is any worry about abuse but because this way if anybody DOES file a report with CPS it will go directly to her and not somebody else unfamiliar with the situation. She will also contact the director at the B&G Club directly.

And next week, when RAD starts the summer camp, we'll do it all over again. A pain? Yeah, big time.. but as RAD parents, we have to always stay 2 steps ahead or we'll get trampled under the lies and "do-gooders". I've been there - it's no fun.

Immaturity

Children who suffer from RAD oftentimes are emotionally much younger than they are physically. Although this may not be quite as noticeable when they are 6, by the time they become teenagers it becomes very apparent. Let's take my 15 (almost 16) year old as an example. She's very bright, slightly above average IQ, does well with her schoolwork (when she wants to), and her last report card showed a 3.2 GPA. Yet, she can't be trusted on her own. And when she gets together with her 11 (almost 12) year old sister, you can expect some sort of disaster.

Friday afternoon the two of them were home alone for about 2 hours. One would think that a 15 year old and a 12 year old could stay out of trouble for 2 hours, but not these two. They decided, for some unknown reason, that it would be cool to open up a bag of unripe plums they had collected that morning at the park and throw them out our living room window at people walking by. I know! It makes you just shake your head in disbelief (well, it does me anyway).

But, that isn't enough. Oh no. Yesterday we were returning from the park and pulled into our driveway when another car pulled in behind us and screeched to a stop. I got out of the car and the other driver jumped out to tell me "somebody from your car threw something out and it hit my car". *sigh* Of course both girls denied throwing ANYTHING out the window but it was obvious they were lying. I profusely apologized to the guy and thankfully he was pretty cool about it, but the girls just sat in the back seat, refusing to acknowledge they had done anything, and of course there was no way they were going to get out and apologize (getting an apology from a RAD at the time it's deserved is... well... let's just say it's practically impossible. The way the RAD brain works is that when the RAD gets stressed - as in when something happens they should apologize for - they shut down. Completely. And you aren't going to get anything through to them at that point.). Luckily the guy accepted my "I'll deal with them, thank you" and left, because if he had demanded an apology it would have gotten really messy, really fast.

This, of course, means I have to give up my coveted front seat and start riding in the back so we can separate the two. It's the only way to keep them out of trouble it appears. Having them sit on their hands or keep their hands on the back of the seat in front of them will have to come later. In the meantime, it's like having two small children in large bodies....